Sir Howard Elston, our community affairs editor, lifts the lid on local social media groups.
Sir Howard writes: Last night more than more 400,000 pages of secret files were stuffed through my letterbox. They contained a mountain of information concerning messages on social media interweb sites. They’d been passed to me by a confidential joint CIA/GCHQ operation. What follows is indicative of the high level material recorded:
Sarah: Hi, want to help organise a volunteer yoga army to clean gardens?
Henry: I only do Pilates. Can I join?
Sarah: I’ll check with Myra. she’s our kundalini yoga Gauleiter
Alex: some dead crappy gardens up near the newsagents
Chaz: I’ve checked yours, mate. Too many kebab boxes in the shrubs
Alex: as opposed to those rotting window boxes at yr place
Alex has left the group.
Georgie: How about helping the old?
Steve: I would. But I’m 71
Sarah: Do you want to help the f””::in neighbourhood or not during the crisis?
Riz: Hey, language girl, language…
Sarah has left the group
Edna: I’m 87. Anyone want to walk my black Lab. She’s called Tushie.
Frank: Soz. Only do cute dogs
Chloe: y’mean the ones that yap all the time and drive the neighbourhood crazy?
Edna: I’m 87. Anyone want to walk my black Lab. She’s called Tushie
Dik: I think we have to be more inclusive. And I say that as a practising agnostic Christian and Villa supporter
Chaz: I can feel your religious values. But The Villa?
Dik: And wheres the Blues this season, eh? U r a working class snob
Chaz: How can you say that !!!!!!!!!!!
Mags: watch it, your keyboard will run out of exclamation marks!!!!
Chaz: here, have some for free: !!!!!!!
Chaz has left the group
Jim: my Sal, I think this is a DM, not sure tho. We need to talk. Meet the usual spot?
Sal: it’s not DM & I don’t know who you are, Jim
Jim and Sal have left the group
Edna: I’m 87. Anyone want to walk my black Lab. She’s called Tushie.
Carol M: Im up to Costcutters, they got tinned tomatoes
Alice: Costcutters. Bloody hell
Carol M: snob
Alice has left the group
Frank: If at Costtthingy, can you pop up to M&S for a some of their organic chocolate? I’ll clean that crappy garden of yours with the broken fence
Riz: hey, if you pass Waitrose, I need black rice
Liz: Anyone see my Audi? It was in my drive last night
Ellie: Liz, you live on Cartland Road. That’s not our neighbourhood. Take a hike
Liz: Bitch
Mark: ditto
Liz, Riz, Mark, the Other Mark, Frank, Dik, Chloe, Alice and Mags have left the group
Edna: I’m 87. Anyone want to walk my black Lab. She’s called Tushie.