Diplomatic editor Lord Howard Elston unveils the latest warnings emanating from a White House ready to rock and roll.
I am sitting deep inside the Press Nuclear Bunker at a secret location within Washington’s famed Beltway as I tippytap my latest dispatch from the capital (scrawls Sir Howard).
Just seconds ago, Prez Don Trumpypie fingered the midwest state of Nebraska as his latest target.
“We have tried sanctions, road blocks and secret infiltration of this rebel state’s unicameral legislature,” he opined as he schlurped a vanilla and coconut shake. “Military solutions are now fully in place.”
Propaganda poster in Omaha, Nebraska
Trump’s administration points to Nebraska’s refusal to stop an oil pipeline called Keystone XL which will supply Canadian crude oil to refineries in the Gulf of Mexico. “There are some very very bad people there,” he explained.
“This proves that state leaders are helping communist oligarchs from north of our borders to fund their despicable un-American activities,” Trumpie further opined.
And he explained that as Nebraska has the second highest child immunisation rate in the country, it proves it is brainwashing future generations.
“I am also watching how Rhode Island is handling its relations with America,” he warned after taking another handful of Doritos and stuffing them down his throat. “One more bad bad move from that desert state and my generals will aim fire and fury at Sante Fe.”
“It’s time to speak big and carry a soft stick,” he added before being wheeled back to his handlers as assistants picked up shreds of a bad hair transplant from the carpet.