Actor and comic Lucy Porter explains what she’s done wrong.
You’ve embarked on a lengthy UK tour. How would you describe the new show?
“It’s a romp through some of the more shameful and silly things that I’ve done in my life. It’s yet another stage in my ongoing midlife crisis, which luckily a lot of my audience seem to be going through with me at the same time. It’s a lot of fun for people who are leaving behind their partying days for caravanning and jigsaws. But also I like to think that younger people will get something out of it because they can learn not to repeat the terrible mistakes that I have made in my life – professionally, personally, sartorially and tonsorially as well as some talk about bad haircuts too.”
Edith Piaf had no regrets and Frank Sinatra had too few to mention. What’s your own approximate tally?
“I’m certainly doing much better than either of them in that respect. I talk about Frank Sinatra quite a lot in the show because my dad was a big Sinatra fan and I know Frank Sinatra’s life story, so for him to say he has too few regrets to mention… Well, I think we could ask one of his four wives whether he should have any regrets. But I love Sinatra and I love Edith Piaf, and The Walker Brothers’ No Regrets is also in the pre-show playlist for people who enjoy songs about regret. Luckily I have way more regrets than any of those people, because I have enough to fill a whole evening’s entertainment and more besides. I’ve got a bag of off-cuts, which is full of regrets that I don’t have time to mention in the show. One lucky audience member gets to sort through the bag and find some of my other deep, dark secrets.”
Jennifer Aniston once said “There are no regrets in life, just lessons”. Presumably you don’t agree with that sentiment?
“The whole premise for this show came out of the fact that I was doing an interview to promote the last tour I was on and the journalist asked me: ‘Do you have any regrets?’ I launched into this massive list immediately. I was like: ‘I regret not standing up to the bullies at school. I really regret dropping French GCSE. I really regret not having been more ambitious in my career. I regret the sort of things I said to my mum and dad.’
“I went on for ages and the journalist stopped me and said: ‘Nobody else has ever answered this question. I’ve asked everyone and they always say ‘I don’t really have any regrets because every choice I’ve made and every path I’ve taken has led me to be the person I am today, and I feel so grateful and blessed’.’ That made me gag slightly because I thought: ‘I know we all need to practise gratitude and be happy within ourselves, and I’m way more like that in my 50s than I ever have been before, but no regrets? Really?’ And seriously Jennifer Aniston, do you not have any regrets?”
What are your biggest professional and personal regrets? Or are you saving the details for the show?
“Well, I talk about an incident in Las Vegas and all I can say is that the show ends with an anecdote about James Gandolfini. I hope that will be sufficiently intriguing to encourage people to come along to find out what that is. On the personal front, there’s a bit of stuff about relationships and my husband comes in for quite a lot of stick in the show, even though I’m very clear that I do not regret marrying him. Most of it is kind of silly personal things about dating, pretending to be into kite surfing to impress boys when I was younger and the crazy dating scene of Manchester in the 90s.”
How does the show also deal with the themes of guilt and shame?
“That’s sort of a Catholic thing, really. It’s always bubbling under the surface. I think with every show I’ve ever done I always have talked about feeling guilty and ashamed. But actually what’s quite nice about this show is that I’m facing up to some of my guilt and shame and letting it go. It’s very cathartic for me, and I hope it will be for other people. It feels like going to confession every night in a different arts centre but unlike with confession I get to have a glass of wine and a laugh.”
You’ve done so much across comedy, acting, stage, screen and radio. Is it possible for you to pick a few career highlights?
“Winning Celebrity Mastermind and becoming ‘Champion of Champions’ is probably my finest moment because I’m obsessed with quizzing. My dad was a big quiz fan and I talk about that in the show as well. Some of my biggest regrets are questions I got wrong on game shows and the fact that I lost the celebrity edition of The Chase due to my own ignorance of boxing. I’ll never forgive myself for that. But yeah, some of the quiz-y stuff I’ve done is among my highlights.
“I really loved being in EastEnders, even if it was only for about 30 seconds. That was really lovely because my mum Rita was a huge EastEnders fan and it felt like I was playing tribute to her because my character on the show was called Rita as well. Then there’s the fact that I was on EastEnders the same night as I was on The News Quiz on Radio 4. I think it might have been the first time anyone’s done that particular double. I love radio so much and I adore being on Radio 4. Any time I manage to speak for a minute on Just A Minute or smuggle five truths on The Unbelievable Truth then I’m always very happy.”
Hosting the Fingers on Buzzers podcast with Jenny Ryan aka The Vixen from The Chase must be a dream come true?
“It absolutely is. Jenny and I met by chance when I was doing Celebrity Chase and got chatting in the green room, then we decided to do a podcast. It’s been so lovely because we’ve got to do loads of live shows and meet loads of great people. We’ve had great quiz show hosts on like Richard Osman, Henry Kelly, Les Dennis, who’s one of our absolute favourite people in the world, and Ben Sheppard, who’s an absolute sweetheart. Recently we were at a PopMaster live weekend with Ken Bruce, who’s always been one of my absolute heroes and it was amazing to meet him. We’ve just published our first quiz book, which is another dream come true.”
How does doing stand-up on stage as yourself compare to playing other people?
“I’m naturally a stand-up. I’ve dabbled in acting but live on stage is where I feel most at home. I adore the spontaneity and the kind of ethereal nature of stand-up. There are things that you say on stage one night that you will never say again. Every night is completely different and individual. It depends on the chemistry between you and the audience and who’s in the room. I don’t do a huge amount of audience participation or crowd work but it’s different every night.”
The No Regrets tour is a really long one. How do you keep yourself match fit? And what couldn’t you be on the road without?
“Actually, I don’t keep match fit! I live the unhealthiest life you can imagine. It’s service station food and bags of Wotsits in the car. I drive myself around, so my car is like a sort of mobile rubbish bin for a few months. But I do quite a relaxed tour schedule because my kids are still at home and I don’t like to be away for too long. As for what I couldn’t be on the road without, I’m a herbal tea devotee, so I always have tea bags. The last tour I ended up taking a jigsaw with me, because there’s nothing like unrolling your jigsaw in the dressing room to really make you feel at home, and I always wear slippers. If anyone visits me in my dressing room thinking it’s going to be, like, cocaine and hot tubs they’ll be disappointed.”
Lucy Porter: No Regrets will be at Warwick Arts Centre, Coventry on 23rd November and the Midland Arts Centre, Birmingham on 4th April 2025. Tickets.