Sir Howard Elston, scourge of the right and enema of the left, sits down with Boris Johnson, Britain’s new Foreign Dudemeister.
Sir Howard Elston: Bozza, old bean, sit down and share a jar.
Boris Johnson: Bloody hell, Lord Howard, haven’t seen your since that odd initiation thing with Cammo and the pig.
HE: Dead pig, actually.
BJ: Bringing up the subject of the EU chief spearcarrier, are we? (gales of laughter).
HE: Down to business, Bojo, what about Brexit?
BJ: Take control, regain our independence, throw off the reins of oppressive European regulation (more gales of laughter).
HE: Sounds a bit of a broken record there, Bozza…how about our relations with the US?
BJ: (more laughter) Burgers, a wall on the Mexican border and throw in some bollocks about Muslims. Plus shoot a semi-automatic once in a while. They’ll buy any old nonsense.
HE: And the Commonwealth?
BJ: Strange music, hot food, good at squash…
HE: Iran?
BJ: Bloody Persia..gunboat diplomacy, send a couple of steamships up their Caspians, that’ll sort ’em.
HE: Foreign Secretary, always a pleasure. My best to Theresa.
BJ: Will tell the old girl you. Bit lacking in the old laughs department, she is. And a tad tall for my wodger…
HE: I think that’s about it, Bojo, goodbye and goodnight.
BJ: Send the cheque, please, PDQ..slight rumpus with the little lady back home with the rolling pin and the annulment decree.