Howard’s big Q&A

We answer all questions about two money-grubbing MPs.

A pair of British ex-Foreign M inisters have been caught begging for work at £1 ,000 per hour (that’s more than £1500 per hour in Yankee dollars). Bit of a row going on over this furore with the words ‘snout’ and ‘gravy train’ coming up frequently.

Sir Howard Elston (DOA) takes all queries from readers about Jack ‘The Lad’ Straw and Big Malkie Rifkind. Lord Elston’s fees all go into the Sir Howard Fund for Cayman Island Dental Hygiene

QUESTION ONE:

Can Jack Straw help me with my travel plans for me and my mother? Him being a former foreign secretary and all and sitting in the Cabinet. We’d like somewhere warm?
Sue, Milton Keynes

Our letter to Jackie Boy to see if he can help:

 

Hi Jack:
My client, Sue from Milton Keynes, would like to take her beloved mother away for her 65th as a surprise weekend break. As you know how to work ‘under the radar’ as you said on the television when reporters secretly recorded you, can you help? She has been saving for years and is willing to pay £4,500 for the advice. Also, as a foreign expert, would you take your own filtered water if you recommend Rome? Sue likes pizza, you see.’

QUESTION TWO:

Can Malcolm Rifkind fix it for me to get a better deal on my gas utilities here on the west in the good old US of A? Maybe a cheaper monthly payment if we took Krygistani gas rather than US fracked gas which I am morally opposed to? – Iqbal from Seattle

Howard writes: Ikki, good news. Now that Riffo has stood down as chair of the Intelligence and Security committee in Westminster, he may have more time on his hands, just being a simple poor MP and all on £66,000pa. Here is the missive I send on your behalf:

Mal,
Howzit going Big Man (you being Scots and all, though you sound quite plummy). My client says he will hire you for your stated fee of £8,000 ph (12,500US) for a half day’s help with his domestic heating. Could you bang the old phone and get in touch with all call centres in the world (especially in the former ‘Stans’) to help out? Since you are the MP for Kensington, he wants to highlight he has an aunt who is big on famous museums in your area so maybe you can swing a good deal? Would that help?

Also, with your access as former boss of the Intelligence and Security Committee (ret), he needs help with his back door where the latch is dodgy and he would like it fixed to make his house safer. Got a number for a good tradesman, or maybe, Malkie, you could do it yourself now that you’ve lost some dosh in your forced resignation and you being Scottish and all?”

QUESTION THREE: And just in… a late plea for financial help!!!!!

My sister has given me £50 for my birthday. With HSBC banking boss Stuart Gulliver stuffing personal millions into a secret Panamanian account, can he give us a heads-up where to put my gift. I want to make lots of money
Owen, Cardiff, Wales

My letter to Mr Gulliver:

Stupotts,
How they hanging, top man? Put down that goldrimmed goblet filled with choice French wine. Take off that ermine frilled bathrobe and give me a sec of your fiduciary time. My client has fifty big ones (yeah that’s right £50) and needs something to outstrip inflation – y’know something more than the superlative 1% tax free ISA that your totally ethical bank shouts about. As you seem pretty canny when it comes finding dodgy boltholes you want no one to know about, can you recommend a quiet country where no questions are asked? My client doesn’t want to pay tax… ever.

Well, fans, three queries. We await the answers which I know will come from three guys with no hang-ups about publicity who all work with the taxpayers’ interest in mind.

Mail in those queries. My postbag is always open

Howie

@sirhoward elston