Sir Howard: Hague shocker as he heads for the rebel front

Sir Howard Elston (DOA), celebrity diplomatic editor for the stars, gives the rundown on the new UK government

William Hague, Engerlund Foreign Secretary, has quit government and today has gone AWOL amid rumours the baldie politician is on his way to fight the good fight in Syria. He left a note on his desk saying: “Fightin’ for Freedom. See ya in the Caliphate, you suckers.”

Border chiefs are on high alert for the Yorkshire foreign secretary whose knowledge of international affairs, defence and airmiles will stand him in good stead with Syrian rebels.

It is understood The Hague was also seen at various Home County paintball games perfecting his aim, has been spotted at three different Army/Navy stores trying on fatigues and camouflage outfits and was identified by MI5 last Tuesday as entering a Boots pharmacy in Harrogate purchasing sunburn lotion and a map of Greater Damascus.

A source close to his Richmond constituency in Yorkshireland told me over a bag of chips and mushy peas and a pint of Round Hay Bitter: “Bill has always been on the side of freedom. He left his passport here in UK-land and bought a second hand Kalashnikov and a pair of black running shoes to aid his falling arches.” Yes, he knows he faces possible arrest on his return for battling against Bashir and his killer forces. But he knows that siding with ISIS or the varying freedom groups will aid peace.”

“Plus, he was gonna be sacked anyway by Cammo. So he enlisted before he was putsched.”

The cabinet ructions in Downing Street will create new faces in the media spotlight: Replacing Haji Hague as Foreign Secretary will be Jean-Claude von Damme Juncker, current EU chief. He will ensure everyone hates the European Union and help the ‘Let’s isolate Enger-lund even more’ campaign. He can also speak furrin’ lingo.

At Defence will be Roy Hodgson who so gloriously led our lads to victory in Brazil with a stalwart team of overpaid mean spirited footballers who were known collectively as The Sieve.

Transport will be filled by ex prisoner Chris Huhne who had major memory lapses just before his day in court and was not a speeder who made his wife take the heat.

In The Attorney General post, Cammo will pick Jeffrey Archer, another criminal who knows a thing or two about justice.

Education will still be a matter of debate. Yes, Michael Gove does look like mini actor Rick Moranis from Ghostbusters but Cammie may look toward anyone with an Oxford accent to teach those left wing lazy teachers a thing or two and send ’em all packing off to become free school dinner ladies.

And in a new post, The Ministry of Truth, The PM will ask Tony Blair to sit at the big table. My source said: “Cammie likes Blair and can spot a fellow Tory a mile off.”

Phil, a leading Leeds second hand car dealer who announces he will sell his dealership come December, told me over a Grimsby meat pie curry: “Hang ’em high, I say. The lot of ’em. We here Ooop North are going for independence once us Yorkie bars can figure out how to spell the damn word.”