Screengrab: Beverley Hills Chihuahua 3 and English Football

Richard Lutz dribbles past a lacklustre defence to point you to World Cup sanity.

Now, let’s see. Hmmmm.

What could possibly be on the the old 85 inch flathead this Tuesday, let’s say, oh, I don’t know,about 4pm?

If you’re dumb enough, masochistic enough, ghoulish enough, there might be a chance to see England self-immolate, lose to a 34th ranked Costa Rica and then go for the early check-in for the Ryan Air red-eye back to Blighty after bailing out of the World Cup. But, if you are sane, calm, given to bouts of lucidity, why not see what else is on the box? C’mon, let’s take a peek:

Well, there’s Wimbledon on both BBC1 and BBC2 (boy, they’ve turned their backs on the mess); ITV has the England game and Ch4 has the egregious gameshow Deal or No Deal with host Noel Edmonds, a tellyman so icky and oily that you can lube your back axle with him.

Channel 5 has the forgettable film, Frozen Impact, whose title sums up England’s performance offensively while Film4 has the sword and sandal epic 300 Spartans which will help viewers remember what it is like to have selfless heroes in our midst in the absence of anything similiar in Brazil.

If you turn to Sky Movies Greats at kick-off time, you can watch The Mummy. But that might conjure up big time nightmare memories of the English defence. But Sky Movie Comedy is showing Grumpier Old Men, not with Gerrard or Rooney but with pensioners Lemmon and Matthau.

OK, let’s keep with the banter and move on. With Blighty’s spoiled millionaires thinking more about duty free rather than duty to a sport, Sky Atlantic has scheduled the appropriately names Without A Trace at 4pm, while the lamentable cable channel Watch must have a sense of humour by slotting in Extreme Makeover– which is just what England needs right now.

But leave it to Sky Movies Disney to sum it up with its alternative viewing for the kick-off: It is Beverley Hills Chihuahua 3…a cartoon about small pooches in La-la Land. Not even Beverley Hills Chihuahua 1 or Beverley Hills Chihuahua 2. But Beverley Hills Chihuahua 3.

Goodbye England. Goodbye sad tabloid dreams of ’66. Hello, Beverley Hills Chihuahua 3. And a great big Hello to Qatar where at least English football can bribe someone to win a crummy game.