HOWARD ELSTON (DOA) sits down with Russian boss Lord Vladimir Putin of the Russian Empire to discuss his plans for peace.
Howard Elston (DOA): Vladimir, so good to see you after that week end in the sauna in your dacha with those stewardesses. Firstly, tell me why the Crimean intervention was necessary.
Lord Vlad: Howard, the Russain democratic state, which I own, does not want to be involved in any military action. That is why we sent our armed peacekeeping operatives into Crimea.
HE: You saved the world from war by what the International Community calls ‘a land grab’?
LV: Well, when the cries of enslaved minorities fill your own eyes with tears every night, we knew our Committee of weaponised anonymous peacekeepers was the only way to protect our brothers and sisters in Crimea and also surround Ukranian military posts with nothing less than vibes of love and togetherness.
HE: But you invaded a sovereign state.
LV: Sovereign, Schmoveriegn. No, we were asked to come in to stop Kiev mobsters from culling Russians ethnics and when they called for help, we ran to aid them. After all, these ethnic Russian have rights too, after we pushed all the Tartars out of their homes and sent them to Siberia.
HE: Who specifically called for help?
DEATHSTAR BOSS
LV: Well, there was Alexis a pharmacist from Sevastapol and Marina, a teacher from Yalta…and a couple of others too, whose names we forget.
HE: Let’s move on. Now that your peace mission is almost complete, will you send back the tanks and missiles to the other side of the Russian borders
LV: Mr Howard- for that is how all foreigners refer to the British with their crazy names- you missed out the point that Crimea is now part of Russia and all matters are domestic and not international. We respect democratically elected governments. That is why we back such countries as Bashir’s legitimate Syrian government
HE: But you invaded Ukraine
LV: And kept centuries of Russian peace thriving. Except, of course for Tzarist exterminations, Stalin death camps, enforced state exiles, lack of civil liberties, banning free speech and using drugs on female athletes.
HE: And your next step?
LV: State elections in Crimea will begin tomorrow and the Russo Freedom Party will win 98% of the vote.
HE: You are sure of that?
LV: Bet your cute little booties on that one, bud.
HE: Lord Vladimir, it has been a pleasure. Drop in any time
LV: Mr Howard, I will with about 30,000 assault troops and armoured vehicles