Last week in this august organ, I revealed my plans for Birmingham now that I bought it in a car boot sale outside Redditch. Read on…
First, the city is to be called ELSTONVILLE. Below is the first phase of The Elstonville Redevelopment Plan Situation
A press statement from Sir Howard (DOA) to be released immediately:
We must act fast and quickly and speedily to save our great mega-urban centre of Elstonville (ne Birmingham). Here is what will happen by next weekend:
NEC: I have bought it for £620 million. All those sheds and conference centres will be levelled and the site re-built as a Drone Aircraft factory to defend this great nation of ours. The planes will be manufactured in special track assembly units bought from the vestiges of the once great Rover plant in Nolongerbridge. Once the craft are glued together, test flights can begin with the best Romanian pilots the world can offer. This will take place on night bombing runs over Stratford on Avon because I never was a Shakespeare fan and always was a Kit Marlowe man myself. The drones will ultimately be sold to The Russians as part of our post Soviet aid package for Crimea to keep world peace as an on-going situation.
Birmingham City Football Club: With the unfortunate news that club owner Carson Yeung is idling away six years of his life in a Hong Kong prison for ‘irregularities’, I can announce the new owner at St Andrews is Uli Hoeness, the former president of Bayern Munich, jailed for three years for tax fraud. He has decades of experience in club management and money handling and once released from the German prison where he is unfortunately serving, he will be welcomed with open arms to BCFC. We have also signed striker Nicolas Anelka who quit West Brom FC via Twitter after a row over those unfortunate neo-Nazi hand gestures.
Capita: This outsourcing company is unfairly criticised for its annual £126 million contract for doing all the council paperwork. I have now hired Mrs Sandra Housesteads from Walsall to do the book-keeping. Mrs Housesteads cleaned for the The Good Lady Wife and me when we lived in the West Midlands. She also did the shopping at Waitrose for us and her handwriting is very neat and she never came home with the wrong change. Congrats, Sandra. PS: Taxpayers will notice the savings on this new deal as Mrs Housesteads will begin on a zero hours salary.
Jimmy the builder is new designer
New Street Rail Station: With the unfortunate news that the architect for this new £600 million scheme has thrown his toys out of the pram, upped stakes and moved back to London, I can reveal that Jimmy, who does my windows and a bit of gardening, will replace him. Jimmy also has a long history of design and actually put in roses last October near the veggies and they are simply flourishing with strong buds on all branches. All construction material will come from Poundland to save more money for cash strapped Elstonville (nee Birmingham) taxpayers.
Cafe News: I have decided to shut all independent cafes, or coffee shops as some call them. There are simply too many and coffee gives me re-flux. Only Starbucks premises will remain open. I trust this franchise and have close dealings with their bosses and have spent many happy months sharing their villas in Minorca whilst water-skiing and imbibing fine Rioja.
Transport: I am delighted that Phil from Leeds, a successful second hand car dealer and a personal friend, will take over all road responsibilities once his electronic tag is chipped away from his ankle. Phil said: ‘First thing to do is replace all buses on the number 11 circular route with my fabulous line of Clio 1.2 sporty three door saloons.’ Welcome aboard, Phil.
Next week: Sir Howard reveals more on how Elstonville will rival Beijing, New York and Doncaster in the mega city stakes.