From Howard Elston with the Prime Minister of Engerland Dave C as he visits the troops in Afghanistan.
I am reporting here (writes Howard) from the dangerous Helmand sector where I am eating fish and chips with the lads, playing darts, drinking good solid English beer and taking down every word General Dave says about our 86 year campaign in Afghanistan to quell the bad guys, smoke all the opium that can be consumed and tell the Afghan nation how to act like good solid citizens.
The PM said it was Mission Accomplished as he surveyed the barbed wire and the high security fencing that just goes to show how peaceful this part of the world is after 440 British men died since the invasion.
He told me in a hush-hush 1-2-1 sit down amid the machine guns, the rocket launchers and drone planes sitting quietly on the airstrip:
Mr Tough Guy
‘We have set out what we wanted to do. We destroyed the NHS, stopped all public sector works from Hemel Hempstead to Inverness, are slimming down civil rights and have successfully kowtowed to the Yanks and their psychotic delusions.’
‘Plus, we going to make sure we use every ounce of fossil fuel under our blessed isle until every tonne of gas, oil and fracked underground juice is sucked out of our planet.‘
Looking dapper and slim in his M&S fleece and matching jeans, he added: ‘It’s Mission Accomplished.’
Cammo is in Afghanistan to celebrate Christmas in this, the umpteenth year that British troops are playing poodle to the Americans in order to:
- stop Al Queda
- reign in the poppy crop
- protect women’s rights
- ensure Afghanistan is left in a serviceable state after smashing it to smithereens
- other things that can be thought up to figure out why Britain is patrolling a murderous desert halfway round the world
‘Yessir’, he said with just a hint of his regional Bullingdon accent, ‘Our boys can come home knowing it was mission accomplished.’
Taliban hardmen: waiting in the hills
Phil, an old Afghan hand who now runs a scooter-hire firm in Leeds, commented: ‘Dave can close the door on Afghanistan, knowing the Taliban are right there in the hills counting down the days to when they can return to their stone age tyranny and live in peace chopping off people’s hands and bombing schools.’
‘Yessiree,’ Phil commented: ‘It’ll be Mission Accomplished for everyone.’
‘Now….anyone for a quick blast of some Kandahar Black before you go?’