Note from the editor: Our normal interviewer Sir Howard Elston is still detained over outrageous allegations linked with bank internet fraud and shoplifting. So we have asked The Devil to take his place and conduct this tell-all talk with democratically-elected Syrian tyrant Bashar al-Assad.
The Devil: Welcome to my liar, Mr President, O King of Kings, Lord of the Syrian Empire and Regional Secretary of the Ba’ ath Party. Your attendance is most appreciated
President Bashar al Assad: What happened to Howard? I was expecting Howard and I had laid out the drinks and canapes and those nice little Mid East honey goodies he loves
D: He is committed elsewhere
BAA: I was even going to give him an eye exam…at NHS rates
D: My apologies, O King of Kings. Now to my first question: Are you happy with the US/Russian accord over chemical weapons
Lou Cypher; Guest Interviewer
BAA: Yes, we will hand over all those we wish to reveal. The rest of the arsenal, bought at a good discount from North Korea, will of course not exist and therefore will be of no harm
D: You’re a sharp little cookie, Mr President. Second question: Will you continue to kill children, decapitate women and slaughter many others with normal weaponry?
BAA: Yes: We have permission to do that. That is the humane way.
D: And a third question: What is your reaction to the UN findings that someone, somehow, fired those chemical warheads into a suburban development?
Moustache
BAA: Let me make it perfectly clear. President Putin and I agree it was the rebels that done it. Not me, mate, not on your nelly.I would never kill people with chemicals.. No effing way, bud…
D: And a message to Mr Obama and that French guy who want to bomb you?
BAA: Let it rip. I got my country dacha outside Moscow for me and the wife.
D: A final question Mr Regional Secretary: Where’d you get that nifty moustache? Tres fin de siecle, if you ask me.
BAA: Cheeky bugger
D: Understood, O Lord of All You See. Thank you for coming in and a special invite anytime to visit me in my humble abode come the judgement day
BAA: And thanks for having me. And do drop in for an ophthalmic session the next time you’re in the neighbourhood. I got great rates for mythic figures
D: Yessir, we’ll see about that
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