The Virtual Gym

Laurence Inman has a New Year business plan – It’s a sure fire way of cashing in on resolution revolutions.

It’s coming up to the busiest time of year for all those entrepreneurs out there eager to help those punters out there who are eager to shed off their unwanted pounds and personalities out there in a bid to become new inner people….out there.

Yes. It’s nearly New Year! With the accent on the NEW!!!!

And I am starting a NEW venture. One which will have those lightweights on Dragons’ Den drooling with envy.

Starting on January 1^st, the slightly corpulent of South Birmingham will be able to enrol at Virtual Gym.

It’s a wholly NEW kind of gym, a gym of a NEW intellectual order, a gym which has its being in a different physical plane.

It’s a gym that doesn’t exist!!!

For the first session I take you to a real gym somewhere. There you will try out the shiny equipment, listen to a load of old pony from an ‘instructor’ and have a bio-something drink. I will bung the bloke behind the counter (an ex-associate of mine from B Wing in the Scrubs) a score. Then you will sign the contract.

The contract!! I love the smell of standing orders in the morning!

You will arrange for your bank to pay me £60 on the first of each month. This will go on for as long as I say so. Any failure to pay and I will send two fat idiots with tattoos (Col and Den) round to stand outside staring. Then they will knock at your door. In the end they will take your kids off to a kids’ gulag on the outskirts of Liverpool, where it’s always raining and smells of skunk and kebabs.

However, it won’t come to that.

Because as soon as you’ve handed me the contract, you will forget all about gyms and contracts and the fact you’ve signed away a fortune.

You see, this is a business based on a very simple concept. It’s more than a concept; it’s an axiom. As soon as people sign up at a gym, they go once and never again.

I can’t see any logical reason why there shouldn’t be hundreds of Virtual Gyms up and down the country by the end of Year One. They take up little enough room, after all! And there will never be a shortage of cret…..customers to fill them.

And if there are any potential investors out there, desperate to get in on the ground floor, I’m currently offering Ordinary Shares at £79.99 a pop. The forecast is that they’ll hit £100 by lunchtime tomorrow.

Send your money (cash only) to me at:

New Street Station Left Luggage
Box 99
c/o Substantial Dave
Birmingham

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