from HOWARD ELSTON, our international diplomatic correspondent, who likes to write his name in capitals
Dateline: Washington
I write this exclusive deep within the bowels of the Pentagon, that six sided monolith that houses the world’s most powerful people.
I can reveal here that Lance Armstrong, the athlete who taught the world how to pump illegal dope into your body as you free-wheeled down a 1:3 hill, will be a surprise third guest in tomorrow night’s must-win Presidential debate.
He will join top Prez Barack Obama and Mitt Romnesia. Major topics to be discussed include, Iran, the economy and the best way to hold a syringe at 55mph in a strong to gusty wind.
TV producer Andy McAleer told me over a Bud and day old nachos: ‘We think Mr Armstrong will give us an independent view on the great issues that plague our nation.’
‘Many people think we are simply a country that enters a sovereign state inside the nose of a drone attack plane; others see us as innocents abroad with a backpack; and to others, we are the culture that digests 8lb hamburgers.”
‘We’ll show them we are all of these- dressed in red while and blue.’
Mr Armstrong’s people told my people, over a Schlitz and some roasted peanuts, that Lance did not at first want to participate. ‘He never used drugs in his life’ they said.
I put it to them whether Mr Armstrong has anything to add about Iran or the the flailing economy.
‘He never used drugs in his life. This is a scurrilous calumny circulated by the Taliban.’
Nigel, a political analyst from Tyneside, said: ‘Whay hey, the lads..I’m jes’ oot for a pedal in… like… those Cheviot Hills, like. I’ll be passing the Lance Armstrong Memorial Pharmacy afore I hit the countryside, like.’