Our security correspondent HOWARD ELSTON (OBE, DOA) unveils new plans to run Britain after The Olympics.
The government is set to reveal new plans to allow the Army to supervise the whole of the UK once the Olympics are over.
This move comes as 1200 more troops are sent into action to guard stadia from terror and plans to move into airports if border guards strike next week on the eve of the Games.
David Cameron, England’s UK manager, said: ‘We feel safe with uniforms patrolling the stadiums and checking purses and lunchbags for explosives and seeing if a bunch of gum-chewing Americans coming to see Usain Bolt are out to slaughter fans.’
‘And with the military’s experience and skills, they will be able to keep Britain happy once The Games are over by patrolling our streets and gaining intelligence on the citizens’ thoughts and aspirations.’
Army chiefs have not denied that they will now sit in on the Cabinet, in Parliament and inside major tv studios to improve public safety.
”They will also help to make Britain’s great free press even greater by fact checking stories before publication to ensure the British readership gets the information they should have.’ said a government source.
‘The Olympics are a sort of experiment,’ he explained, ‘ to see if the the Armed Forces are up to other emergencies such as controlling LIBOR rates, reducing crime caused by political meetings and eventually controlling the content of Twitter and Facebook to make sure our youth is protected from unneeded thoughts and opinions.’ he added.
‘Uniformed operatives will also be welcomed into the book industry to regulate literary patterns..for those who can still read.’
Mr Cameron added in a speech in Hull: ‘What we have here is a failure to communicate. The Army is a public good and once we disentangle ourselves from Afghanistan and Belize, they have a role to play in helping put the Great back into Great Britain. We welcome the army’s input.’
‘And we also welcome Mr Tony Blair, the former Prime Minister, as a special advisor who will aid us on how the military can play a vital role in domestic affairs.’
Phil from Leeds, a renowned second hand car dealer and a cultural commentator, added: ‘It is great that every each one of us is helping Britain succeed. I for one am joining up today for the Intelligence Corps to make sure Yorkshire is safe from unclean thoughts.’
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