Howard Elston (OBE, DOA) interviews secret Olympic sources to find out how the Games will be made secure following the G4S fiasco that left our very national safety at risk.
The government is to step in and hire Syrian president Bashar al- Assad to ensure we are safe from fear at the Olympic Games which kick off later this month, I can reveal.
This follows stupendous and shcoking news that the private security firm G4S cannot deliver the manpower it promised as part of its £350m contract with the taxpayer.
‘Whoops….we kinda forgot to hire the uniformed staff.’ said a source working within the company.
Now the government has stepped in. President Bashar al-Assad, a well known eye doctor from London, who has retrained as a murderous fascist thug, will organise employment of the Games’ guards.
‘He has an acute insider’s knowledge of how to control large crowds through the use of rampant gunfire, explosions and terror.’ said a Cabinet member close to George Osborne. ‘And he can speak English.’
‘Once we get that creepy moustache off him’ he added, ‘he will be accepted and loved by the voters of this great land.’
The President has left his iron-clad bunker in Damascus and is liaising with close friends in North Korea, Uzbekistan, Zimbabwe and Venezuela to ensure freedom rings true in East London.
‘He has thousands of troops, many of them university graduates, who will be happy to patrol the stadia so you and me can enjoy sport at its best.’
The alternative to the Syrian solution was to bring back 3,500 UK troops and leave Afghanistan unprotected. But a cheaper plan, say MOD sources, is to simply bulk hire 14 Drone Attack planes from America and they will nuke anyone without a ticket or ‘who doesn’t look right.’
+ President Assad will be opening a free eye clinic in downtown Mayfair every Thursday during the Olympics.