An Iron Fist
From our man in Fifa-ville Howard ‘Hazza’ Elston who has been witnessing incredible scenes in the capital after today’s election
The hardman of Fifonia, General Sepp Blatter, has reacted with tough words and action after crushing the Spring Revolt in his homeland.
With thousands marching in the streets of the capital, The General has won a big time election standing against no one and winning 99 percent of the vote.
‘Fifionia and international football are now safe from the lying Englishman fomenting trouble and his toady press who are investigating my corrupt regime’ he told his followers at the post election party amid much cheering.
It was the first good news General Blatter has experienced in weeks. He has been plagued as of late with all night protests in the streets composed of demonstrators who say Fifonia and his hardman regime must change. There has been bloodshed on Fleet Street, the main thoroughfare of the capital, Fifa-ville, and allegations that his top brass has been creaming off the hard earned wages of voters and millionaire footballers and plunking them in discreet banks in The Caymans, Switzerland and West Bromwich Building Society.
But his re-election is now certain as is the banishment of his opponents. General Blatter has seems sure to reign with an iron fist for another four years, say commentators.
An election observer, Brigadier Roger Maris, said today: ‘If this was a football game, the ref, the team manager and the chairmen of all the clubs would be sacked.’
But’ he added, ‘this isn’t football. It is Fifonia.’
General Blatter accepted that things must change though. ‘I understand how the people of my country feel. And I understand the need for change. Now that I will rule unopposed for another four years – and who knows, maybe even more – I will begin a series of reforms to ensure Fifonia is more democratic.’
His first move is to meet with the rulers of Yemen, Syria and North Korea to see how they handled democratic reform.
‘Then I will clean up the streets, jail anyone who disagrees with me and allow my cabinet to swallow up more well earned backhanders, graft and bribes.’
Fifonia expert Ford Madox Vauxhall told us: ‘I understand The General’s first move is to change his name to one that doesn’t sound like a urinary disease. Sepp Blatter will become Steve Barker by midnight tomorrow. He will also initiate a new currency with his face on it eating a huge mound of money.’