Birmingham ‘To Be Sold Off’-New Report Says

Another Scoop by our unflagging reporter Howard Elston

The Coalition government is to sell off Birmingham in its latest gambit to save UK cash, I can reveal.

New top secret documents forwarded to me at The Birmingham Press newsroom show that the Prime Minister, his Chancellor George Osborn and the Liberal democrat other guy say Britain’s second city should be hived off to either a private company or a mid-ranking friendly Mid East despot who has cash stashed away.

‘This plan in no way reflects on hard working honest Brummies. They are the salt of the earth.’ comments Mr Cameron in a forward to the report. ‘But the sooner I see the back of Birmingham, the better.’

The document, called Brum: Let’s Get Rid Of It’, says Harborne could be purchased for close to £1b to act as a suburb of Chelsea or Hampstead Heath. Digbeth would be sold off to venture capitalists to become a living Victorian History Museum complete with Under The Arches Re enactments. And New Street would be a great place to take the kids when it is privatised and rebranded as Ghost World.

Last night, Mike Whitby, the city’s boss, said: ’Anything Mr Cameron does is OK with me. And with Advantage West Midlands’ advice, I know selling off our great soaraway city is the best thing for voters.’

The report also reveals that Real Madrid wants to chip in millions to buy the Villa while San Marino is seriously adding up the numbers to bid for St Andrews.

Carl Chinn, noted local historian, said: ‘Any idea that does not emanate from Brum is a bad idea. But if we Brummies thought of this wholesale sell off, it would be a great idea. I’m a Brummie, alright, and yes, I would stand for mayor no matter who owned my great city of Birmingham, which is a great city with loads of history.’

The report now goes to the White House in Washington where all final decisions about Britian are made.

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