Sir Howard Elston, scourge of the right, enema of the left, reveals his plans for the tottering British government

There is no doubt that Theresa May would join a coalition with a slime encrusted river rat caught in a barrel of week old urine if it would keep her in power.

Not that I have anything against the highly righteous members of the DUP political party that she is having congress with (scrawls Sir Howard from beneath his table at The Rose and Weasel).

But if she just could spin for a second and get her high heels off Boris’s left testicle, she could herself announce momentous news. 

And that is  later today, Herself will ask me personally to join her administration to save Blighty from drowning in the silver sea that kisses the shores of our green and pleasant land.

I have been asked to join a coalition.  Tomorrow we travel to Buckingham Palace by Uber to ask La Reine to allow us to jointly rule. No river rats, no DUP, no Boris. Just moi and elle.

My only humble request is to ensure we put the word Great back into Britain. So, below are the self-less demands my team and I are making here on the Cap d’Azur where I am presently playing peek-a-boo with our friends from the fraud squad.

DUP senior spokes-things

Our cabinet shall include:

• Rupert Murdoch, with his intimate knowledge of telephonic usage, as Director of Communications 
• Jeffrey Archer, with his intimate experience of the penal system, as Attorney General
• Steve Bannon, with his Yank right wing bag of cretinous bile, as Minister of Truth

As for policy:

• The Sun newspaper shall replace Hansard as the official record of Parliament
• The BBC will be shut down immediately as a yapping poodle of the left
• The DUP mob shall be shackled, left grunting and groping in the mud of Northern Ireland and allowed out on weekends only under registered supervision
• Scotland shall be allowed to float northwards towards the Faroe Islands with their Nordic Commie ways and funny hats
• Chuck Windsor shall be left in the slips and all the royal pads and cribs and homes be re-born as low cost social housing 
• I shall be named as Ambassador to the great American city of Palm Springs with my official residence in The Mafia Suite of  the Frank Sinatra El Classico Golf Club 

I trust this will meet with all your wishes and hopes. I know it will help me as I fight for truth and justice. 

For further analysis (writes Sir Howard), click on:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsGVghRBdKI&feature=youtu.be