Hail Trumpsylvania!

Sir Howard Elston, our US editor, reveals more on Dumpy Trumpy’s plans for a 51st state.

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I am sitting, vodka and lime in hand, on the Trump Tower upper verandah overlooking downtown Lewiston Maine as the Republican candidate himself tells me about his next step.

Last week, I exclusively revealed that once he is reduced to a lump of molten lard after the US election defeat, he will create a new state called Trumpsylvania. Today, amidst the glitz of his fantastic zircon-encrusted skyscrapers overlooking the magnificent Androscoggin River, he gave more details.

On education: Lord Donald told me: “I absolutely love education. So did my family who paid the University of Pennsylvania to take me on as a student. I will give every man, child…and some women..the chance to raise themselves up and emerge as a four-times corporate bankrupt, just like me. And I make an education promise, that is so educational and that is the Electoral College will transfer to my state after the rigged election.”

On defence: “I like Chelsea. They showed great resolve in its 4-0 destruction of Man U this weekend. The Red Devils just couldn’t get past the secondary.”

On culture:

On environment: “Trumpsylvania will be the cleanest state in the Union. It will be beautiful, a beautiful state with golden skyscrapers, big ethnically cleansed parks and hot dog stands on every corner.”

Secret location of Trumpy’s new state

Secret location of Trumpy’s new state

On family values: “I believe every man in my state should have a family, if not two or three.”

Sir Howard goes up again at Hillary Clinton in two weeks time, stay tuned and dannae youse change yon channel, ach aye.

 

@sirhoward elston

This amazing article was cloud-funded by I-Trump, the digital property of Donald J. Trump

One thought on “Hail Trumpsylvania!

  1. Pleased to see the Donald speak so highly of education. Reading your piece, I was reminded of a seminal BBC interview of the Spice Girls back in the 80’s when Posh and Ginger simultaneously declared that they thought education “….was brilliant…”

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