Now that United Brexitland has been launched, Sir Howard Elston, our diplomatic reporter, surveys just who the country can blame when things go wrong
Word reaches me from the watering holes of Westminster that the Leave Lobby, the winners of the Referendum, are holding secret talks about who our enemies are now that we have elected to write the longest political suicide note in British history (scribbles Sir Howard from his vibrating reclino-chair).
With no pro-EU government effectively in place, an insider told me who to vindictively point a finger at when things go nuts.
The senior Brexit loonie, eyes swivelling in their bleary sockets, said: “Our country is broken. We need enemies. Here is who to blame.”
God: He giveth and bloody well taketh away. He was always a secret Commie pinko EU fanatic who will poison our churches, vitiate our schools and ban our satellite TVs with his socialist creed. And he will, ultimately, destroy our fairly unique way of Britishness.
Cameron: He is to blame for everything from the continued crumbling of the state health service to the end of the Empire to the crap summer weather.
Blair: Well, why not, he lied over Iraq, Afghanistan and, while we’re at it, England winning the Euro Cup. Roll on Chilcot Report which will uncover who is guilty of warmongering deceit.
Scotland: The haggis-eaters are out to ruin this fair island and have been ever since the Battle of Culloden. They’re ready to push south and ransack our Poundland shops and IKEA franchises and ram bad food down our throats and drown us in bad beer and Irn Bru. Anyway, everyone north of the border speaks funny.
Trump: This cretinous madman must be detained in the dungeons of his golf clubhouses where he will never be able to comment again on UK affairs. His crimes are numerous and he should be flogged with a zircon plated number four iron.
Immigrants: Always a prime go-to answer for any political problem.
The devil: See God as above.
Boris Johnson: A secret pro-EU supporter, he will be hounded to face justice and placed in The People’s Court to be judged by Lord Nigel Farage of the Fatherland.
Phil, a Yorkshire second hand car dealer and political analyst when not eating the remnants of yesterday’s Daily Mail, commented in a commmenty sort of way: “Hey, Brexiteers, you forgot George Bush…now, there’s one hell of a son of a motherfu….”