From our diplomatic correspondent Sir Howard McElstonovichzki (DOA).
With Scottie voters casting their ballots on 18th Sept, the North o’ the Border brigade and Kremlin bigwigs have been secretly hashing out a back room deal dining on cold haggis, gargling on double malt vodka and eating loads of shitty sweets, those close to the talks have told me.
A source close to both camps said: ‘Pooters needs the Scots if he is ever to see the rebirth of the Soviet Union. Just by looking at how Scottish soldiering won Britain an empire even while they wore girly skirts, he knows they can do the job for the Kremlin hardmen.’
‘I think you’ll see it will come down to the Tartan Army holding hands with the Red Army by Christmas with border troops at Carters Bar, the Russkies painting their faces blue just like Braveheart never did, and rebel incursions into Cumbria to take back The Disputed Lands lost 298 years ago.’
Initially, as an act of Eternal Friendship, the Russian Black Sea Fleet will re-locate to the Hebrides as of this morning in order to keep trade channels open between the Isle of Skye and the Crimea. Also, Russki armoured divisions will help law and order in Aberdeen where the lawless free press is causing havoc.
Meanwhile, sixteen trillion tons of beetroot will be given out free of charge to all chippies freeing up vital potato stocks in Scotland. In response, Irn Bru will become the national drink of Free Ukraine.
Other items in the agenda include:
Bad Vlad is also keen, according to my tiptop hush-hush behind closed doors contacts, to shut down the nuclear Trident bases in west Scotland just as the SNP wants.
.…linking the Scots currency with the Chechnyan grzzgyt
….using Donald Trump’s fancy golf courses as slave labour camps
…offering the Scottish unemployed the chance to enjoy the outdoors with non-negotiable work study programmes with the Siberian Defence Force
…banning English people from holding jobs, spreading their vile lies in the media and intermarrying with anyone of Pictish heritage
“Pootie is a closet peacenik and wants to see all nukes banned, except, of course, for those now aimed at Kiev. He’s a regular hippie, our Vlad,” he commented.
Alex Salmond meanwhile is keen to find muscle at Scotland’s door. Who better than a raging lunatic like Vlad? added my source. “Salmond’s big worry also is that he still looks like a Halloween balloon with caterpillars for eyebrows.”“Plus,” he added as he puffed on a Kazakh cigar and took another slice of cavier pulled pork, “as a Scot, he is obviously a below-the-radar Commie. They all are north of the border. It’s a well known fact. I read it in The Sun so it must be true.”
Nigel, a Tyneside croupier and Russian analyst, added: “Big Alec likes Putin because the Russian tough guy looks like a cyborg edition of Daniel ‘007’ Craig. Just checkovski those Slavic pecs.”