Sir Howard Elston (DOA) reports from the barricades in Henley in Arden as Bad Vlad’s tanks rumble towards the sunny lanes of Warwickshire.
A cry of a little child, the sobs of a young mother holding an ipad, the anger of young men on the barricades drinking Red Bull- that’s the sights and sounds I give you as Russian shock troops crunch towards the tipping point of Putin’s next target – Henley in Arden
The Deathstar Emperor, who already has grabbed Crimea, now says Warwickshire must be freed from UK’s grasping chains.
He told me as he sat on the turret of a Soviet-style tank as he worked out with weights: ‘Sir Howard, the peoples of Warwickshire are mostly Russian and we must protect them.’
But opposition to the landgrab is rising. There are riots in Claverley, Wooten Wawen and nearby Little Alne, the Parish Council central HQ told me. Cobblestones are being ripped from Stratford Road near Snitterfield to build rudimentary defences. Sunday rambling clubs are patrolling the town’s perimeter in nighttime manoeuvres and young housewives in SUVs are ferrying needed supplies of IKEA Billy bookcases to remote farmhouses in case of lengthy rural engagements.
Mad Vlad’s first move is towards the Henley in Arden enclave for one reason- all routes out of the beleaguered town connect to military camps in Ullenhall, naval bases at nearby Earlswood Lakes and a crucial Apple store near Hockley Heath.
In Henley itself, the tension can be cut with a knife. The sweetie shop has already been surrounded by baying pro-Russian crowds and I can see, as I file this exclusive report, young men painting the profile of Stalin, Lenin and Putin lookalike 007 Daniel Craig on the walls of the newsagent on the High Strret.
The White Swan pub is now serving free vodka and cabbages from its front door. But, symbolically, across the road, at the Black Swan, the Warwickshire colours, proudly embroidered with the rugged bear icon, is on the side of the serving Free Parish Council led by ex Colonel Perry Shufflebottom-Jones and his PA, Sheilagh. From its car park, right next to the BBQ pit, free fish and chips are being doled out to what are now termed ‘The Warks Freedom Army.’
Sir Al Bored, the political leader of Birmingham, which sits to the north of this little village, said today in a statement: “The growling Russian Bear will try to step on the freedom-loving Warwickshire Bear. But we here in Birmingham will debate the take over, say angry things and cut more jobs.”
He went on: ‘”his is a fight we will not lose – just as we kept Rover Cars open at Nolongerbridge all those years ago. There is talk too of a trade embargo so copies of the Birmingham Post will not be allowed to be sold to Russia.”
Bored continued: “The buck stops here. We will not take a step backwards.
“Well…for now anyway.”
Phil, a user-friendly second hand car dealer from Nuneaton, said: “Warwickshire may fall. But the line will be drawn at Solihull, where the Russian tanks and rocket launchers will be stopped by a line of Clio 1.2SDL saloons which I am providing free – for two weeks – in the name of democracy and free trade.”