Our sports editor, SIR HOWARD ELSTON (DOA), reports from his ground floor Premier Inn suite in Sochi as the Olympics enters its last superduper days.
Exclusive: That’s the only phrase to describe the big news this weekend from the City of Civil Rights: Sochiville.
The big event is The Urban Riot Finale. Ukraine enters the hard-nosed competition with a firm hand on the tiller and ready to grab the much treasured Molotov Cup. .
In an explosive semi against Thailand, the Yukes nuked the Bangcockers with a desperate last-ditch GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWAAAAALLLLL by storming the Prez’s dacha, bringing the palace down and making off with the family jewels.
The Kiev gang will now go head to head versus reigning champs Greece who know a thing or two about mob violence (they invented democracy), urban disturbances (they are all well angry that they never paid taxes and are broke) and, like The Mighty Yukes, have a weird written language with squirelly bits instead of letters.
The match up, to be refereed by whip-bearing Cossacks fresh from a bloody quarter final assault on unarmed comic girls Pussy Riot, will be held behind closed doors in case of fan trouble. Vlad Putin will officiate and the losers will be fed to Somalian pirates if po-faced Poot gives the thumbs down.
Meanwhile, in a separate development, the whole of the BBC commentating team, all of them well watered and fed on UK licence fees, have been summarily sacked for failing to independently question how Brit ice skater Elise Christie was disqualified from three races.
The media hacks, relying on stale xenophobia, blamed German judges, Chinese judges, French judges, the weather, the ice and Neil Kinnock.
Phil, an award winning car dealer from Doncaster, said: “Not one overpaid overstuffed broadcast hack reptile raised the issue that maybe the skater actually did something wrong. Now if a Frog or Korean was chucked out of three events, it’d be a different story…I tell you”
And he added: ‘By the way, Phil’s Cars (Ltd) will start stocking Dacia 4 wheel drives as from April so you can enjoy the Yorkshire Fens. Order now or you’ll be left with a 1.2 Vauxhall with spoilers.”
++This independent news website is sponsored by Phil’s Cars, voted third best auto dealership in the Doncaster metro area in 1979.