From the entertainment capital of the world, straight from the crossroads of Rodeo Drive and Alcester Road, SIR HOWARD ELSTON gives us the inside line on who will win the Oscars.

With the top class BAFTA awards behind us and great British movies ( anything with Helen Mirren in it, anything with the word ‘flood’ in it..) walking away with gongs, it is time to cast our eyes on the Oscars.

After top secret hush-hush confidential chitchats with the likes of the Weinstein Brothers and that cute little guy off the Beeb, I know who will gobble gold at this year’s Academy Awards. Here they are:

12 Years A Clooney: A young Tennessee actor is forced to grimace endearingly and flash  his pearly whites through movie after movie in the Deep South of Hollywood before being rescued by Brad Pitt who flashes his pearly whites and ..(more later)

Clooney Hustle: A young Tennessee actor learns how to flash those pearly whites and pop off about obvious political issues as he hops from film to film. There’s a twist ending when Brad Pitt flashes those capped pearly implants  and votes Democrat. Produced by George Clooney

Blue Clooney: A young-ish Tennessee born actor dresses up as walking manniken Cate Whatsherface and avoids erstwhile buddy Boris Johnson. Directed by George Clooney, written by a friend of his from Tennessee

Gravy: Sandra Bullock is an interstellar chef who floats around looking angsty inside a CGI studio in her underwear and dreams of George Clooney in a spacesuit whispering great thoughts though he is dead

Capt Phillips: Biopic on Princess Anne’s first hubby who now farms somewhere south of nowhere. George Clooney, a young Tennessee-born actor, rivetingly supports as Queen Elizabeth and flashes those pearlies

Dallas Clooney Club: You get the idea

NIgel, a Newcastle film buff, commented: ‘Whoar, what a line up. Pass the Man City coffee cup and say hi to Noel and Liam.’