Howard Elston (OBE, DOA) , our diplomatic editor, sits down with Tony Blair for an exclusive interview at the former PM’s exclusive HQ in someplace hot and sunny and rich where the ex UK boss exclusively talks about himself and his importance to the world…naturally.
Howard Elston (OBE, DOA): Mr Blair, just what have you been doing since you stepped down from Downing Street?
Tony Blair: Look, what we have here is a situation where all parties must unite and look at the world and I am here to deconstruct the models they represent. No one else can do this, can they? I mean, it’s up to me. Honest.
HE: You are Middle East peace envoy. What have you achieved?
TB: Look, let me make it clear. This is a situation which only I understand and with my wealth of knowledge and my wealth of fees for public appearances, I can make a difference.
HE: Was it a good idea, politically, to become world spokesman for DroneAttack, the Seattle based corporation that makes pilotless bombers that have levelled so much of our ally Pakistan?
TB: Look, what we have here is a serious problem that only George Bush Jnr, Mr Murdoch and I understand. I had to make decisions, decisions that are tough and many disagree with. Yes, some people do disagree with me. But drones will ensure world peace. And peace for people precious to me like my godchild who is Rupert’s daughter. I wish the coalition well in backing up my position with DroneAttack and may I remind the British people that I am not paid a penny for my non executive position.
HE: But expenses are paid and…?
TB: Let’s get it clear. I incur expenses in the role and you have speak to K2 Investments based in Jersey to find out more. Honest.
HE: Many people, not me by the way because I think you are great, say you are (and I quote here) ‘… an American poodle and Bush’s lapdog.’
TB: George did the correct thing in Iraq for America and I did the right thing for America in following him.
HE: You stepped aside for Gordon Brown and he lost the election. Are you sad about that?
TB: Look, let me make it clear. Rupert said Gordon at times was imbalanced and I don’t wish to contradict Lord Murdoch, the father of my beloved godchild. Honest.
HE: Are you happy with coalition progress in getting the economics right?
TB: Look, the public has to realise tough times are ahead. Dave…the Prime Minister… is trying hard to include everyone in the Big Society. He has a good track record: Eton, The Bullingdon Club, Oxford, an entry job with ITV at £90k at the age of 23. A very inclusive background. He was voted in. And I believe in democracy. I hope that answers your questions.
HE: Not really, I just want to…
(TB exits for The One Show studios where he will exclusively reveal the wonders and pressure of being a godfather to Rupert Murdoch’s daughter)