Shock Report: How to Bypass the Despots and Sell Arms

By our defence reporter Howard ‘Ace’ Elston

A top secret report from Whitehall has signalled a new way to stop selling arms to despotic regimes, such as Libya, but guarantee defence jobs back here in the UK.

Westminster mandarins have developed a plan, codenamed Operation Killjoy, which will protect the future for employees who make military hardware such as tear gas, crowd control weapons and semi automatic weapons.

But, according to the top secret proposal, they won’t be sold to thuggish regimes to use on their own people.

Instead the UK workers themselves will draw lottery tickets to see who will use them in lieu of foreign police forces, killer death squads and secret militia.

Those UK workers chosen will then go to totalitarian countries and carry out ‘peaceful security measures’ on behalf of clients.

A government spokesman, who did not want to be named, said: ‘Everyone is a winner. We don’t technically sell to any countries . The people who make the weapons actually use them. It gives them pride and negates the Marxist problem of a division of labour in our society.’’

Operation Killjoy also underlines the need to care for the mental health of the workers after employing the military hardware. They will be given mental therapy sessions and, crucially, 5-star holidays in the given country where the weapons are used.

The spokesman added: ‘Many of these despotic nations are actually near or include beautiful beaches and great mountains. The UK workers can relax and enjoy themselves after their obligations end.’

‘So the workforce will have guaranteed jobs… plus great hols.’ she said.

The TUC has yet to see the plan. But Charles Richards, a TUC spokesman, said he had visited all the 5 star resorts on the North African coast and will be reporting on what he found by the end of May.

‘It was arduous. But I did it for my union brothers and sisters.’

His fact finding mission included MP Fred Webb who said: ‘For the sake of my constituency, I have tasted the delights of a cool drink under a bamboo roof while watching a deep blue sea lap at the veranda of my luxury cottage. And I’d be happy for my electorate to do the same for a day before they get back to their low paid jobs.’

The defence minister Dr Liam Scottish Man was not available for comment.