Britain braced for Hurricane Bojo

Take to the storm cellars, warns our Westminster hack Lord Howie Elston. Force Five Boris is hitting our shires and shores 


The most powerful storm to hit Britain since records began has torn off roofs and caused severe cracks in our nationhood, experts have warned.

The slow-moving, category five Boris – the fourteenth strongest Atlantic hurricane on record – is now growing in power with sustained hot air gusts of 165mph (270km/h) which may cause a sea surge of up to 23ft (7m) of bollocks.

There is no official word on casualties but anti-Brexiteers fear some thirteen million bags of Hungarian ham may not be reach our shores and necessary medicine diverted to the poor and deprived of Belgium.

The hurricane is moving slowly north with the southern UK coast at most risk.Posh counties such as Surrey, Sussex, Dorset and South Carolina have all declared states of emergency.

The Bojo National Hurricane Center said that at 10:00 GMT, Boris was moving very slowly through Jersey and Guernsey heading for the lobbies of Westminster. One eyewitness said: “The Bojo havoc started last month. And this week it will really hit my town. I’m petrified.”

Another quipped as he stockpiled copies of the Daily Telegraph and boxes of Prosecco, “We’ll never recover. It’s France’s fault.”

But Storm supporters deny problems will arise. One said: ‘Can’t touch us here in the sunny uplands. Huge winds will mean cheaper power by aiding wind farm developments; floods will help agricultural irrigation and property damage will aid house owners as lack of supply drives up prices. It’s good times to come’. 

Last night Labour boss Jeremy Corbyn said he will look at both sides of the issue and reach a verdict soon on whether the killer storm is dangerous and how it will effect the 73 people who support his party. 

Do you have a Storm Boris story? Telex it to freecopy@Howie.co.uk

 

5 thoughts on “Britain braced for Hurricane Bojo

  1. As a result of your piece I’ve rushed out to stockpile prosecco, canned fruit, toilet paper and a complete box set of Inspector Montalbano.

  2. what has happened to Phil the used car salesman? He would surely have some important commentary on the impact of No deal on the used auto sector.

  3. So riddle me this…what the hell’s going on over there?
    There’s gunfire here in the US & unending demonstrations in Hong Kong!
    & now we have the Boris show!

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