Sir Howard Elston looks at his crystal balls to find out who the front runners are to succeed Madame May
With The Prime Minster packing her bags (scribbles Lord Howie), who will take over the heavy crown of blighted Old Blighty? Here are the runners, riders, outsiders and a thumbnail sketch of each:
Phiilip Hammond: Boring, weird hairdo.
Matthew Hancock: Just boring.
Rory Stewart: Skeleton man, would frighten kids
Boris: Duplicitous twat
Michael Gove: Ditto
Angela Leadsom: Thatcher redux
Jose Mourinho: Egocentric deluded football manager, has all the tools necessary. Howard’s inside choice.
Nigel Farage: Creep
Jamie Oliver: Bankrupt cook currently flipping burgers on Croydon high street. Possible non-starter.
Nicola Sturgeon: Efficient SNP boss, but must ditch those outfits nicked from Star Trek
Jeremy Corbyn: Sneering hardline Brexiteer. Howard’s inside choice.
Trumpie: Fat criminal, runs quickly in mucky dirt. The one to watch.
Guess the winner and grab a night out with Mrs May and hubby Phil at the Maidenhead Golden Oak carvery for a Sunday lunch and a bevvy.