Sir Howard Elston, a saint who walks among us, explains why his charity is being hounded by agents of evil.

It is only right (writes Lord Howard Elston) that I put my head above the parapet to strenuously defend why my foundation, The Sir Howard Elston Charity for Sick Kiddies, is not involved in illegal acts.

For many years, I have personally suffered the slings and arrow of injustice that accuse me of fiddling the accounts of my philanthropic organisation that helps millions of tots around this great globe of ours. These calumnies are gross distortions of the truth.

I have spent nearly half my adult life trying to help others, especially the little boys and girls of this planet that need a helping hand. My financial advisors, which include my sons Delboy, Jerry and Lewis and my daughter Monica Vavavoom, have dispersed more than £10 billion to worthy causes legitimately channeled through The Sir Howard Bank of Free Ukraine, Elston Properties of Mauritius and Kremlin Kapers Naughty Entertainments 

In order to safeguard cash that could have been pilfered by agents of the state, cash was invested in such worthy nations as Russia, Uzbekistan and North Korea for security. It was used for legitimate projects such as a 278 floor skyscraper in Kleptograd in Siberia and employment opportunities in  sub-Saharan salt mines.

Not once was it used for illegal purposes.

New charity bosses

Now that judges in both the US and the UK have wrongly said that  I was breaking  the law, I can confirm I am stopping our daily competition  which operates under the slogan: ‘Launder a buck, win a semi automatic Kalishnakov’.

And, as of tonight, I will be handing my charity over to an independent panel of cracker-heads from Missouri to oversee the probity of an inquiry. This board will sit every week in Moscow to ensure that cash is delivered to my many charitable missions without delay.

It will co-chaired by Jeff Sessions, the redneck dimwit I fired recently and Nigel Farago, the loudmouthed limey clown that still trousers a weekly cheque from the EU despite hating its existence. Our public relations supremo shall be the suddenly available  level headed José  Mourinho in order to make friends.

I especially take offence at what Judge Dolly Madison Hotdog said when she wrongly declared: “Sir Howard’s Foundation functioned as little more than a chequebook to serve his own business and political interests.”

That is an outrageous statement and was written by Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama, both who are women.

And when I take over the UN and lead our people into the New World with discipline and strength and…..

You can download more of Sir Howie’s lucid comments on:  Lordelstonssickkids.com