Golden Balls

The US prez grabs laurels in historic penalty shootout, says our sports reporter Lord Howard Elston (DOA).

The soccer world has been rocked to the bottom of its gold plated boots today as Don Trumpie-pie told me exclusively it was all down to him for last night’s glorious England World Cup win (writes Sir Howard).

The boss of the United Snakes spoke to me late last night from the locker room in the Moscow stadium as Ingurland celebrated an historic win to enter the Cup quarter finals for the first time since 1878 when Ben ‘Dizzo’ Disraeli knocked in three in overtime over the Prussian Empire. Donnie Jay was sitting in front of his diamond encrusted locker with sweat dripping from his pecs and glistening six pack with only his emerald encrusted towel cloaking his golden eagles.

Trump: super fit

He told me: “The Limies can’t even figger out Brexit and crumble in weather over 82F (that’s 28C to normal people). They’re soft and rudderless and actually called me in to take that last penalty disguised as Coach Gareth Southgate.

“No-one noticed me because bearded superfit Southgate and I look remarkably alike except I got more muscles and have bigger hands,” added the POTUS with a remarkable degree of aplomb, modesty and word-craft.

Sipping a diet Trump-cola and stuffing a triple Mac with cheese into his gob, his long blond locks hanging down to his toned bronzed shoulders, the Prez added: “I had to make sure that, like, y’know, the WASPs beat those nasty, murdering cocaine-smuggling South Americans who should all be locked up and …”

The full transcript of this riveting interview can be found at: howardthetruth.co.cz