Sir Howard Elston, scourge of the left and enemy of the right, with a worldwide scoopereenio.
I am sitting on the sophisticated left bank of the Boise River (writes Sir Howard), lined with trendy cafes, geleteria and hot dog stands as I take in downtown Boise, tucked inside the state borders of Idaho.
UK boss Theresa May has just announced she will move the Ingo Embassy out of DC to this lovely city amid the big skies of the west and the buffalo dung that clings to its tallest buildings.
She told the House of Commons where MPs talk, debate, chase secretaries down the halls and fake their expenses: “It is apparent that world peace will bless our planet if my overpaid diplomats move their fat arses 2000 miles to the west of Washington to Nowhereville, USA. And there’s nowhere more Nowheresville than Boise.
“The move will stop terrorism, world hunger and icebergs melting at both poles,” she added as she headed for another highly successful Brexit talkathon. “Boise will become the new HQ for the US of A.”
Boise mayor Roger ‘BigMan’ Pepitone told me over a chocolate burrito tapas: “Boise got it all, buddy. We got cowboys, hipsters, really tall women and nutcase separatists super loaded with the latest armaments ready to take on the Federal government which is turning into a Commie empire.”
And he added: “We also got schools with desks in them and I am about to sign a contract to bring the first ever store with a roof on it to the city.”
Other aspects of Boise that will pin down the movement re locate the UK diplomatic nexus are:
- It is home to the third biggest ball of string in the world
- It is blessed with a 280,000 seat stadium for its hometown college football team, ihe Idaho State Ballbusters
- It is quickly becoming a cultural foodie town with the opening of a Dominoes Pizza takeaway and a Kentucky Fried Chicken joint to reflect the citizens’ unique taste in nourishment.
- It houses the largest statue in the universe of former prez Gerald Ford
Last night, American commentator Phil from Leeds, who also owns car franchises in the western city, added: “Come to sunny Boise and get your ass kicked by drunks on a Friday night or drive your Dodge pick up through shopping malls as you make your way to a ram raid.
“And if your interest is pricked by that monster Dodge, come to Phil’s Second-Hand Car Lot where we have accessory loaded vee-hickles for all drivers aged from 6 to 66.”