The Elston Report: UK news as it happens somewhere

Media editor Sir Howard Elston gives the inside line on how TV reports breaking news today.


7.37AM: Pics of Tories walking in and out of big building looking grim

7.39AM: Pics of Labour politicians walking in and out of big building looking confused but smug

8.52AM: Pics of UKIP members walking out of big building and leaving a trail of knuckles in the dust 

8.04AM: Pics of DUP, as above, but looking grim, confused, smug

8:06AM: Piers Morgan gets shouty on ITV This Morning and asks a questions that’s fourteen minutes long

8.07 AM: Pics of Trump climbing out of chopper wearing a red tie 

8.08AM: Talking Head on live link saying it ain’t over ’til it’s over

8.09AM: Another Talking Head saying it’s all over

8.10AM: Lib Dem says it’s won the election; sound of a million flatscreens being switched off 

8.17AM: Pic of Theresa May chatting with vicar, which proves she’s panicking 

8:18AM: Pics of Theresa May walking with her husband,  which proves she’s fighting fit

8.21AM:  Pix of eight crossbreed puppies born in Sheffield 

8.26AM: Pics of minor cabinet member relentlessly jogging on a London street dressed in stupid tracksuit with a funny hat on refusing to be interviewed after his PR drone told press where and when he is jogging so they can take shots of him jogging and not being interviewed (with a stupid hat on…etc)


(see page 2 for more…)