Sir Howard Elston, our business editor, sits down with highly respected and totally honest bank chief John Varley, who has been charged this week with dubious practices by Britain’s Serious Fraud Office.
Howard Elston: Johnny, my top man, still looking trim tho the news is grim!!!!
John Varley: Wotcha mean, Sir Howard?
HE: Well, you and your Barclays Bank pals have been charged with fraud relating to strange cash injections from Qatar back in the bad old days of ’08, for instance.
JV: Just protecting our customers’ interest…better than being rescued by the left wing Commie socialist Trots from the left wing Commie Labour Party and those running dogs baying to the tune of Gordon Brown back when things looked a bit squiffy.
HE: But at least it was on the right side of the law.
JV: All we did was let our friends from Qatar quietly pump £6 billion into our prestigious bank without anyone knowing.
HE: Leading to criminal charges including three counts of conspiracy to commit fraud by false representation and unlawful financial assistance to Qatari investors and…hey…wait a mo’ JoJo..what’s an ‘unlawful financial assistance’ anyway…?
JV: Now, now, Howard, let’s not get disingenuous with me. We live in the real world here. By the way, have we told you about our Classic Gold Five star Loyalty saving account that can make a whopping 0.9 % pa for our highly valued small savers? Worth a look, my friend, worth a look.
HE: Hmmm, smells like a runner, that one. Might pop down to Doha to speak to one of your crew over a Sundowner or two.
JV: Use my jet, Lord Elston. Always out to help our free press searching for truth, old boy.