Sir Howard Elston, this website’s diplomatic editor, with the inside story of the Big Break Up.
The EU today formally signed off and said Sayonara to the UK, saying it could be longer be part of a shabby, sodden island off the coast of a continent. It will leave Britain by 2021.
European Council Prez Donald Tusk told me over a cognac and liverwurst-burger: “This is an historic moment from which there can be no turning back.” The top man said it was a “sad day”.
Inglo-PM Theresa May immediately responded: “G’bye,” she commented, “and good luck with Russia. They’ll be marching thru the halls of Brussels within a year”.
Mr Tusk said the 27 remaining EU members wanted out of Britain because:
- its industry is a motley collection of ruined buildings and a pile of rusting nuts and bolts
- its banks are run by crooks who rob its own customers
- its MPs have their snouts in the gravy choo-choo
- its government is run by a tired and greedy crew of Oxford snobs
- it has terrible weather which you wouldn’t leave your dog out in
- it hates foreigners anyway.
- it has crap football and hires in Europeans to fill the stands
The EU will now go its own way to stopping immigration of low paid Brits into the Continent. It will build a Euro-wall – “A very big beautiful wall,” said Tusk- and it will refuse help from British intelligence which is run by the half mad Yanks anyway.
Tusk added: “It is time to take back control. No more having to speak English gibberish at meetings. Or watching Nigel Farage chew his desk with incremental madness,” he intoned.
As for Scotland: “I always liked Wee Nicola. But she dresses like someone off Star Trek. We’ll have to see.”
Phil, a second-hand car dealer from Leeds and a Euro-watcher added: “Bonjour mes amis. Common tally voo? Kick every last German, Frenchmen and Spaniard out of our blessed island. Bring back Queen Boudicia when each man owned his own cave and we ate mud for high tea. Now, that’s bloody well Yorkshire talking, that is.”
The EU will leave Britain within four years, taking into consideration the Euro summer hols which lasts about 18 weeks.