Sir Howard Elston, our beachwear correspondent, files his report from a St Tropez jail cell after been arrested by Froggie cops.
I am sitting on my jailhouse straw mattress (writes an unrepentant Sir Howard Elston) with my male burkini haphazardly draped across my sculpted naked body as French police decide whether to charge me with seaside indecency.
As a leading male model for the epoch-changing Doncaster fashion industry, I had been hired to show the a la mode world how the perfect masculine body could use the BURKINI, the all-over swimsuit that hides rather than reveals the lustful naked human form.
I was nicked and frog-marched off to jail. El Commandante Monsieur Jean Jacques Lemerde told me: “It is disgusting that you are hiding your body on one of our French beaches. You must be semi naked like the rest of the beach population who flaunt their fat bellies, their sagging body parts and their hairy arses.’
“Why do you think we fought a revolution all those years ago and chopped off so many heads?”
Last night, a police spokesthing said:
“At 12.32 today, officers dressed in designer Speedo budgie-grabbers, Jimmy Choo diamanté flip flops, Raybans and greased to the gills in Factor 50 arrested a British degenerate of indeterminate age under suspicion of corrupting maritime morals. He will be questioned, tortured and found guilty of terrorism under Provence law.”
I now seem to be a cause celebre, as they say in this land of fraternities, sororities and croissants. Frog political hack Slick Nick Sarkozy said burkinis represent a threat to public order and hygiene.
And Sarko told me in a top secret hush hush confidential behind closed doors in camera private 1-2-1 visit to my death row cell over a croque monsieur and zuppa d’anglaise:
“First, Sir Howard, we ban the burkinis which scare all decent semi nude beach goers. Then it’s the nuns and monks…
‘Subsequently,’ he added conspiratorially, “we nab the surfers in their threatening wetsuits. Then babies under two on hot beaches whose mothers illegally dress them in tee-shirts and present a living threat to our French traditions.”
Phil, a Yorkshire beachwear consultant for the Vichy regime and a leading cultural commentator, said over a pint of Tetley tea and a current bap: “Zut alors. Howard Elston should remain in his frog jail cell until he repents and stops threatening decent half naked French holidaymakers.
“It’s that bloody simple. Let’s go Hull Kingston Rovers. And did you know that if Yorkshire were an independent nation, it would have come in 219th in the Olympic medal table?”