Our outer spaced reporter Lord Howard Elston chats with Brit astronaut Tim Peake, who has just landed.
Dateline: 21 June, Planet Earth
UK astronaut Tim Peake is back on Earth after an historic six-month stay on the International Space Station and he talked to me exclusively as he sipped a Pepsi-lite, munched on a peanut butter and banana sandwich and smelled the sweet fragrances of his home planet.
“I missed my family and friends,” he confided as he unstuck a gooey glob of crunchy peanut butter from his molars, “But God, this globe is one f*cked up place.”
“I’m outta here ASAP. I’m catching the next candle going upstairs (Ed: That’s spaceman talk for taking a candle upstairs) and getting the bloody hell off this burned out rock.”
He continued: “Syria, greenhouse gases, rampant murder, the military industry, Michael Gove, Donald Trump, Leicester winning the Premier League, the Cavs winning the NBA finals. I’m gone…get me my space helmet and the next Soyuz heading to the stars.”
Phil, our starry firmament expert and a darn fine second hand car dealer from Glossop, confided: “Peakey has eaten one too many Mars Bars. Come back Major and watch the Tories eat themselves alive.”
“BTW, those Kia Sportages are flying off the forecourts. …no matter what anyone says about their suspensions.”