Sir Howard Elston, our dopester correspondent, reports trackside on the drugs ban slapped on Moscow.
I’m sitting on my private yacht off the coast of Brazil with a Cuba Libre in each hand, as I analyse the effects the dope ban will have on this summer’s Olympics.
Contacts deep within the sports world told me a veritable cornucopia of events will be deeply harmed by stopping the Russkis from competing. Here are the big losers:
The 26 mile Marijuanathon: The Commies are stopped from entry and will have to take ‘pot’ luck on another track event
The high jump: No dope here either, no matter how high the athletes are
Speed skating: Hey, slow down partners, the Commies ain’t in this drugs free zone either
The hammered throw: Straight athletes only here too, brother comrades
Hop, skip and snort: aka he triple jump, the Commies will have to go cold turkey before competing
10m high dive: Ok, ok, it’s a second rate knock-off from number two above.
Ice hookah:Gget the puck outta here, you dopey Russkis
I can also reveal that the Russian sports anthem, Land of Dope and Glory, will be edited out of all ceremonies. Vlad (The Bad) Putin told me over caviar and peanut butter crepes: “My nation is innocent of everything. It is obvious that Western running dog agents have crept into our athletics gulag and put drugs into the babuskas of our sports stars.”
Lord Seb Coe, who was Vice President of the international athletics organisation for eight years before being crowned chief honcho, said in a statement from his penthouse overlooking Alexander Stadium in Birmingham: “I know nothing. I’ve only been a gold medalist, an MP, in the Lords and on the inside track of the IAAF for about a billion years…
“How would I know about illegal doping?”