Sir Howard Elston, our entertainment sub-editor, gives more info on the new Carry On films to drip off our screens.
Shock News: The quintessentially British third-rate film brand, the Carry On movies, will be re-launched this year. They were known for the wink-wink, nudge-nudge, cheesy sexual innuendoes that make you stare at the screen and not laugh. They died a natural death about 45 years ago.
Here is the hush-hush tip-top secret behind closed doors, confidential list of the new movies to be made in Doncaster, Santa Monica and Redditch over the next three years.
Carry On Football: A group of young sexy nurses with big busts take on Manchester City, Leicester and Real Madrid and teach the boys a thing or two about dribbling (yuk yuk)
Carry On Brexit: A group of sexy young EU secretaries go to the seaside in Belgium and romp in the surf in tight swimming gear and laugh at the crappy island across the Channel that has voted to isolate itself on June 23rd.
Carry On Trumpie: A fat, bloviating billionaire asshole visits what’s left of the UK and falls in love with a pert young dollybird but ends up marrying 16 East European models with weird cosmetically enhanced lips.
Carry On Tabloids: A young, pipe-smoking editor of a sleazy newspaper finds out his staff is hacking phones. So he sacks them all and hires a bevy of buxom secretaries, models and nurses to show Fleet Street how to keep a-breast of the news.
Carrion Up the Clarkson: He’s dead meat on the BBC after deciding it was his right as a twat to whomp a producer. But this tale has the great idea of the fat potty-mouthed racist teaming uo with the guy who looks like a drowning rat and the other one that resembles a haystack to test out cars and stuff
Carry On Up the Coriol-anus: Ooo…that Shakespeare. He’s old but still can write just As You Like It…saucy, sexy and with a bevy of sexy buxom double entendres. Starring classical luvvie actors Dame Barbara Windsor, the late Lord Frankie Howerd (see left) and the late Sir Sid James.
Carry On Curry: There’s laughs a-plenty as the crew work in a curry house that is now a kebab/Thai/Mexican/pulled/pork pizza joint as they relish British cuisine to tickle your meatballs and fry your chips.
Carry On EU: Eeeuuu..the follow up to the above Carry on Brexit – an army of blonde European bureaucrats paddle over to Britain in rubber dinghies wearing only tight bikinis to inspect the length of our bananas and the shape of our British plums.
Phil, this site’s film reviewer and a damn fine Yorkshire based second hand car dealer commented, as he basked in a David Hockney wave of warm sunshine: “Bring back black and white TV, hanging, Ted Heath and the pounds, shillings and pence economy. Next thing we know we’ll be singing Yankee Doodle Dandy out of our sphincters. That’s what I say. Those were the days…”