Sir Howard elston, scourge of the left and nemesis of the right, with another exclusive from the extreme centre.
Sitting here in gloomy Britain, sipping a muddy Bovril and thumbing through an old copy of FIFA News Quarterly, I can report to you about a political exchange that will rock the very foundations of what is left of the western world.
Boris Johnson (see below), mayor of London and leader of the Let’s Get the F**k Out of the EU brigade, will exchange jobs with Donald the Unhinged.
By mid-April, I have been told by one of Trumpie’s special advisors who has been locked away in a nuclear bunker below New York’s Trump Towers, the two hairy political elephants will learn each other’s jobs.
The Donald, of course, telephonically communicated with me last night about this sudden move.
“Sir Howard,” he intoned, “I will build a wall around Britain so Frogs, I-ties and Kaiser-heads don’t invade Old Blighty.”
“And I’ll make the Euro-pinkos pay for it too.”
“In American US dollars.” he added.
Boris, meanwhile, put out a statement through his local constituency party, Bullingdon Central. It read: ” I have always admired Lord Trump because he speaks such plain English. And here I am with an Eton and Oxford education and still don’t make any sense.”
Swiping away a thatch of blond hair (which is difficult in a press statement), he continued: “I will be ad hoc president of the Republicans for six weeks until they find me out. I will institute major, wide-ranging platforms which even I don’t know about.
“But first, I will ban Arkansas because Brits can never pronounce the name. And also Michigan, which gives overpaid brain-dead newsreaders problems.”
“Then, I will…well, I am not sure what I will do as long as I can become Prime Minister of both the US and Old Blighty.”
Both Lord Trump and Boris will appear together on Fox News later this week, I can reveal, to publicly announce the deal.
Phil, a retired second-hand car dealer who has been asleep in North Yorkshire for the past six months commented in a commenty-sort of way: “Bloody hell, what a swap. Both nations win with each of the Special Relationship Countries getting unhinged nutcases as leaders. Hillary will be laughing all the way to her secret bank accounts.
“And as for Cammo here in the UK, he can relax and slowly assassinate all those that want to leave the Euro-thing.”