That fat guy with the blond rug on his fat head wants to stop all UK citizens from entering the US – this report from our diplomatic editor Sir Howard Elston

I am sitting here drinking my Miller-lite cocktail as I peruse downtown Jersey City from the pergola of my ultra swish penthouse as I tap out this latest exclusive.

I can reveal after completing in-depth interviews with many of the city’s finest cab drivers that Donald J Trump is about to call for all Brits to be turned back from the United Snakes. This is in revenge for the surly bad tempered Parliamentary debate earlier this week that tried to stop the corpulent golf magnate from entering Old Blighty.

Trumpie

My source said with a Jersey accent as thick as Tony Soprano’s neck muscles: “Lord Trump will throw out anyone from Great Britain if he is Prez. First we will give them language tests and if they can’t speak American, they are toast.

“Then,” added my source, “we will have top dentists checking for snaggly teeth or suspect Commie beliefs. We will demand mortgage documents to ensure they don’t live in North Korea type social housing. And ask for private health insurance policies to guarantee they don’t use Marxist death list hospitals.”!

He added that the scheme will be overseen by Trumpy’s new pal Sarah ‘Witch Hunter General’ Palin, “Our Sal is just the gal. Just look how she defended Alaska from that Russian invasion.”

Phil, a noted international migration specialist and former second hand car dealer in Doncaster, commented in a commenty sort of way: “El Trumpo has grabbed ahold of a vote winner. Most folks in the States don’t even know where Britain except it’s near London and is foreign.

“They’ll want to keep those Brits out to make North Dakota and Manitoba safe for our American children.”

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