SIR HOWARD McELSTON, chief Westminster reporter for this website, interviews Scottish politico Alex Salmondface as he prepares to take over the world
Yes, this website called it. We reported first, via our deep contacts in the House of Commons, that the Scot Nuts would go for a coalition with Labour come the next Parliament in May 2015. See link below:
And to add goose to the sauce, I have sat down (or rather sat doon) with SNP leader Alex McSalmond as he begins the first step to return to the mother of all Parliamentary expenses. He will run for a Commons seat come the national election in May.
Here are excerpts from that chat which was held this weekend in a secret motorway caff near Auchtermuchty as a busload of Raith Rover fans disembarked on their way to a Forfar away match.
Sir Howard McElston: Mr Salmond, if I can call you that because there is not a cat’s chance in hell you will ever be ennobled by a monarchy that has a pied a terre in the Highlands stolen from the clans…why leave the Scottish Assembly where you’re so beloved for a backbench seat in the Sassanach-controlled Commons?
Alex Salmond: When we won the independence referendum last September, we promised that..
SHM (munching on a whisky flavoured jammy dodger) : Pardon me, Al, but you lost the vote.
AS: Actually, that is wrong. We won by gaining 45% of the vote and that is a fact. The Scottish nation still wants independence. It’s yon bloody English controlled media that has twisted the facts.
SHM (rolling his eyes heavenwards): Just what can you bring to the House of Commons if you win the seat in May?
AS: A certain Scottish air of reality. Labour will scrape through and will need a partner. And that coalition partner will be our SNP Parliamenatary leader Angus Robertson.
SHM (neatly folding a copy of that august journal The Daily Record in his lap) : Not you?
AS: No, despite theBirminghamPress.com article (see above, ed) which was completely wrong and anti-Scottish, I will play an advisory role and will only take responsibility for Commons catering- ensuring all Scots MP’s are equipped with haggis,chips, a cupboard full of teeth-rotting sweeties and tins of cheap lager.
Sir Howard McElston (sipping daintily on a McEwans-lite cocktail): Mr Salmonface, thank you for your time. You are truly a great man. And may I make a bid for a case of vodka laced Irn-bru off the back of the lorry if your dream comes true?
Alex Salmond: No. You’re English and you haven’t won the World Cup since 1966