Sir Howard ‘Rocketman’ Elston, our interstellar editor, gives us the lowdown on the almost fairly unique space landing that will change our lives- somehow.
I am circulating in space somewhere between Neptune and some other piece of interstellar crud as I file this report about the latest discoveries from the Phila Lander space pod now nestled on our solar system’s most mysterious asteroid.
I can report that I can get a terrific Vodaphone mobile signal from the barren rocks of the comet now speeding 634,000 mph without satnav and I have taken the first exclusive pictures (below) of the strange metallic facility unit buried under a dry titanium riverbed I found that is both charging my mobile batteries and giving me five bars on my iPhone:
Plus, there is no problem getting either Fox News or Sky 1 Movie Greats. Here is my latest photo of the mystery alien AV command centre I found under the hot rocks, zircon plated mountains and electro-ststic lakes of pure platinum:
So, as I bunk down for the three day night here amid my technical gear, my comfy blanket, a bar of desiccated balti curry and a freeze-dried Coke Zero for sustenance, there is no doubt in my mind that the Philo Lander craft will benefit all humanity despite sucking up 56 billion trillion dollars that could have been used for schools, hospitals, free medical care for the poor, clean air and all night celebrity dancing shows on the box.
ABOVE ME THE STARS
But enough Philo-sophising (ha!!!!). Above me the stars plus the safe company of the Rosetta satellite which is our mother ship. Below on this three inch hulk of proto-history, my colleagues and I are both learning more about the universe and also how to file daily expenses forms while weightless for this eight year mission from my newsroom base (Earth) to the story location (somewhere up Here.)
Phil R. Uppski, the Polish techy in charge of the European mission, commented to me earlier today: ‘Sir Howard, you are firmly among the ranks of the super novae of this universe’s journalism and we all thank you for leaving this planet with your ankle tag still in place while on parole.’
And he added helpfully: ‘Yes, there have been problems with the craft. It has stalled at times because of positioning. But we use advanced techniques to start it. First we got a spacebot to kick it. Then we turn it off and have a good old cup of tea and watch some tv. Then we kick it again and shout at it and if that doesn’t work we call 0900 666 7545 for a $30per monute help line.’
“Finally, God bless you and thanks for the advice on the mobile, I shall be leaving Verizon and Orange forthwith.”
Mike, a Cambridge based super scientist and all-round space nut, commented: “By the beard of Venus, Howard’s reports will change the course of human history. Somehow.”
And the super brainy boffin added while simultaneously downloading 4000 songs onto his ITunes library while solving the origins of the universe: “His almost unique discovery that the ability of nonviral gene delivery systems to overcome extracellular and intracellular barriers in outer space is a critical issue for future clinical applications.
“It will change our lives…..maybe.”