As I sit in a canalside cafe, sipping my latte balti macchiato and picking strands of water-logged detritus out of my pulled pork and kale vegetable platter, I can reveal the inner workings of PM Cameron’s decision to head for Birmingham for the 1,254th annual Conservative Part get together.
A source close to Downing Street said as he slipped under the table gripping a Villa scarf: “We love Birmingham. It has everything, including electricity. It’s great to be back here on Tyneside.”
Tourism bosses point to a number of reasons why the Euro-hating, UKIP-fearing, rabid foaming porno-selfie obsessive party enthusiasts opted for Birmingham:
+Leisure: There are inumerable strip clubs and tacky gin joints on elegant Broad Street within a five minute stagger from the conference centre.
+Transport: With no discernible public transport system that works, the party faithful can drive their eight litre Jags through the city centre without hindrance from suburban trams, subways, cog railways or any useful mode of carriage.
+Intercity links: Tories can hurry back to London and civilisation twice an hour from the New Street rail station and breathe a sigh of relief.
+Entertainment: The best of provincial theatre including the 84th straight year of Blood Brothers or a a third rate tv comic fronting an ice show.
+Shopping: Only 90 minutes to London by train. (see above)
+Culture The what?
+Food: The best cuisine in the country. There’s Scottish grub ((McDonald’s) Royal Fayre (Burger King) and international nosh (Ralph’s Kebabs open til 5 am on weekends when the pubs roll out).
+Media: Tories know they can keep up with current affairs through identikit BBC and ITV local news shows that are so good many feel they have been recorded from 1987 and re-shown every night.
+Political Engagement: A short walk from the conference brings you to the city’s council HQ where they are sacking staff, screwing up education, confusing the public over rubbish collection, worrying the public over children’s safety and chopping back any department that raises its collective head above the local government parapet.
+Glitz: There’s always a forgotten soap star or someone who has once almost won a TV talent show trooping through the city to sell an unreadable ghosted ‘autobiography’ at a Manchester book fair. Also, once we think we saw that international civil rights lawyer Amal Alammuddin (36-24-36) who was married in Venice to a movie actor who now hawks instant posh coffee.
+ Another thing: But I can’t remember what it was.
“All that and more,” said the tourism supremo.
Mick, a top class scientist from Cambridge and an avid Tory watcher, added: “Boy, the Tories are in town. Cammo and the lads will be swilling vodka shots, heading for Spearmint Rhino, taking in a Blues game and crowd sourcing down at Snobs every night and then getting into a fight at three am outside Alpha Tower.
“Bring on UKIP next year.”