HOWARD ELSTONOVICH, our all-action war correspondent, takes time off from the Mid-East to shine a light on the Ukraine crisis.
Sergey Shoygu said the mobile queue of trucks and lorries will not in any way carry food, medicine, Mindcraft knock-offs or blankets hidden in tanks, armoured divisions or helicopter killer assault squads now lined up at the border of the ruptured eastern portion of Ukraine.
My source told me over a groaning board of vodka, herring and more vodka from below the table where he lay: “We are an honest people who only care for peace and Siberian labour camps. We would never secretly supply peaceful aid when a careful fusillade of machine gun fire could settle everything.
“After all, hasn’t this been proven with our valiant Russian cousins now fighting the Fascist killer Ukrainian forces who have…err..invaded their own country in an outrageous assault?”
As this website went to print, independent observers have spotted pallets filled with bread, sugar and black market DVDs of Adam Sandler movies hidden among ammo, semi-automatic weaponry and nerve gas marked ‘Syria or Bust.’And air to land surveillance pictures have shown a vulpine faced man in khaki looking suspiciously similiar to Bad Vlad Putin astride a white stallion leading the peace-loving convoy of military vehicles.
My contact continued: “Russian condemns America, its lapdog poodle, the British, and any other nation that doesn’t speak Russian.”
Phil from Leeds, a famous used car salesman and Kremlinologist, commented in a commenty kind of way: “Isn’t that Putin guy a hunk? He’s the Soviet answer to Daniel Craig, he is. By the way, my Moskva three door vans are flying off the forecourt. Buy now with roubles and win a zircon-encrusted mini-replica of the Berlin Wall.”