From our diplomatic correspondent Sir Howard Elston.

Maria ‘Grabbit’ Miller

Culture secretary Maria Miller has sent the Birmingham Press newsdesk her full self-sacking letter to Big Dave following her outing as a politician who felt it necessary for the taxpayer to pay for her parents’ accommodation in London.

Here is her bombshell letter in full:

“Dave,mate old pal,

In order to allow the smooth running of claiming for expenses in the House of Commons, I must sadly hand in my resignation and leave the government.

For weeks now, I have held firm allowing Parliamentary business to continue as normal which includes MPs standing in an orderly queue on a Friday afternoon waiting for their brown envelopes of grubby cheating out of pocket allowances.

But the media storm around my own legitimate business of ‘flipping’ my residences so I can make £1.2 million on the London home which housed my folks has now impeded the natural Lockian thrust of government by the people for the people.

‘Therefore, I shall stand down from the Cabinet so you, Dave, don’t have to stand before a baying chamber of puce coloured MPs who are themselves worried about that bathmat they claimed for (Mr Gove), that CD cleaner purchased by the taxpayer (Mr Godsiff) or the wysteria trimming by the gardener (sorry, it was you, Dave)

I shall retire to my home nestled near sunny Basingstoke and work tirelessly to check my expenses more assiduously so I don’t make the same mistake again.

I weren’t me,guv, it were the media that done it.”

Fondly,

M

PS: I shall be putting in £2.35 for ink and paper for this missive. That OK, boss? See ya for drinkies this Sat in old Chippie. Say hi to Rebecca and the Murdo’s for me.