Our Social Affairs editor, SIR HOWARD ELSTON (DOA), rides in to save crisis-ridden Birmingham’s bacon. Read on:
Casting aside my copious journalistic talents, today I can reveal I have left my reporter’s cap in to the office to put my money where my mouth is.
I shall use my personal fortune (measured in billions worth of shares in the BCCI bank, Rover Cars, and the M6 Toll Road) to sort out Birmingham’s troubles
I have released this press statement: “Sir Howard Elston (DOA), scourge of the unprincipled and devious, today announced he is to invest £14b (English sterling) in the city where he was born and bred – Birmingham.”
These are the main points that will save his hometown, he announced at a press conference at the Royal Naweed Conference Hall and Sweet Centre in downtown Ladypool Road.
NEC: Sir Howard is to buy this historic site that has hosted Crufts, the Motor Show and the Wombles AGM. The site will be re-built as an historic theme park to celebrate Birminghan’s great past as the location for Peaky Blinders. The NIA will be renamed the Mike Whitby Centre for the Arts celebrating the life and works of Sharon Osbourne. The Symphony Hall will close as no one under the age of 85 gives a toss about classical music and become a Lidl Express. The Town Hall will finally be finished off and that funny finicky posey ceiling properly panelled with MDF.
The Capital contract: This firm currently gets £126m from the tax payer to do all the paperwork, IT, call centre and other crap for the city council. Elston Enterprises will take over the remaining contractual obligations and eventually sell it to the Chinese who will run the local authority out of Shanghai, sharing space with the complaints department for Scottiish Power and BP.
Rubbish Collection: Yes, it is a rubbish collection. Since no one in the city understands when household rubbish is being picked up anymore or by whom, Sir Howard will buy the service and shut it down. “It is easier to drive it all down to the tip anyway.” he opined. This will save the city £36.23 in annual charges.
The Tram: The what?
Birmingham City Football Club: : Folliowing the enforced holiday by owner Carson Yeung (i.e. banged up in Hong Kong for 6 years for financial fraud) Sir Howard will eschew the well worn joke headline: Birmingham City Taken to the Chinese Laundry, and buy St Andrews. “I will make this into a top flight team like Keegan and that Harrod’s guy did for Fulham, that Cleveland guy did for the Villa and that Glasgow joker did for Rangers.” he opined.
Broad Street: Sir Howard will create a better and grander entertainment centre for Birmingham. “Broad Street used to be a fantastic epicentre for a night out. It has wasted away. I will bring back the good old days filling it with more pole dancing clubs, more strip joints and more wall to wall kebab shops,” he promised.
The Environment: Elston Enterprises values a better transport system for Birmingham. Bicycles will be banned as will all public transport and pedestrian pavements. This will save billions allowing cars to once again take over all our roads.”‘But BMW SUVs will be banned because my neighbour has one and I hate him” he opined.
The Media: Sir Howard is to reincarnate the near defunct city media. The Sir Howard Times Herald Examiner will be a top class tabloid dedicated to investigating free lunches, free junkets to warm places and a callow approach to all local politics. “This is the future,” Sir Howard opined. “Now that TV, radio and newspapers are dead on their backs in this great city of ours, it is time to give birth to a new torch of free speech.”
Branding: Is it The City of Birmingham? Or Geater Biringham? Or Birmingham City? Sir Howard has the answer when he takes over. It is Elstonville. . There, simple, isn’t it?
Sir Howard was not available for comment today to explain his financial plan. He is getting his electronic ankle tag re-adjusted in the Caymans but can be contacted through his press office in Sir Elston Howard World Trade Centre in Wednesfield.