Howard: Latest from Floodland UK

Howard Elson reports

Our environmentally friendly correspondent  Sir Howard Augustus Elston (DOA) reports semi-live from Somerset, home of the floods.

People affected by the winter floods, which have left large parts of the Somerset Levels under water, have seen offers of help from across the world.

Buses are running on time

Buses are running on time

This week  a pop and beat combo concert was held for the denizens of this bedraggled county,  which has seen IKEA stores flooded, Poundland shopping malls sandbagged and dozens  upon dozens of satellite dishes put out of commission adding to woes from Sky customers  who couldn’t watch sports or Eastenders or Celebity Underwater Volleyball until 4 in the morning.

Now things are looking up with international hard rock group Worzel Gummidge taking to the stage to lighten the load.








Worzel, aged 108 and an addled idiot, has had music success in the sileage-loads over the years selling literally dozens of LPs to those still pointing at the moon or leaving trail marks in the wet mud of the Severn estuary as they walk back to their caves.

‘We can get back to doing what we do best.’ said Neville Parrington-Thing from Muckville under Water, “Drink, think the Tories are left of Stalin and look at livestock and make neolithic guttural sounds.”

Worzel with rapturous fans

Worzel with rapturous fan


The concert, held thanks to Prince Charles offering £4.34 from his  Duchy of Cornwall estates illegally grabbed back in 1326 by his armoured antecedents, was attended by Somerset locals Keith Richards, Jeff Beck, Usain Bolt, Simon Rattle, Albert Einstein and Brad Pitt.

The opening act beforer the Worzels took to the stage were Farage and the Brownshirts which was greeted by a euphony of noise, light racial banner and the unique Somerset salute which was taught to them by the Mussolini Brigade brought in to make the local buses run on time.

Phil, a Somerset car dealer, had doubts though. “As the only Labour follower in this waterlogged county,” he intoned, “I have asked Ed Milliband to tour our fair county in one of my fleet of Clio 1.2L three door hatches to explain how the left will dredge the muddy slits they call rivers down here, recompense the farmers so they can make big bucks once again on set-aside grants and utter their endearing guttural noises that passes for English.”

@sirhoward elston