As Britain is accused of colluding in torture, our rendition correspondent Howard Elston (DOA) files this exclusive which rips the lid off Downing Street shenanigans:
Tony Blair, Engurland’s former top man, today denied that the UK ever took part in the Iraq and Afghani wars on his watch.
He said to me in a top secret hush-hush interview: ‘Look, let’s get one thing straight here. It is being put about that I was in charge and sent troops to fight terror in various obscure countries.’
‘This is patently untrue. George Bush and I are god-fearing Christians and would never place soldiers in foreign parts in order to chase shadows.’
Mr Blair, who is 61 and of no fixed abode, was speaking to me over a foie de gras pastie and a diet Irn-bru as a report hit the table condemning Britain for being involved in American-led torture of terror suspects.
The ex-PM added: ‘I was busy all through my eighth and ninth terms of office trying to patch up the hospitals, schools and roads and cutting back on waste and the civil rights of this country in order to put the Great back into Britain.’
‘But….’ he added as he took a phone call from a trans-Caucasian despot, ‘I know that Gordon Brown and George Bush used to have secret chats, so maybe it was them and not me who invaded all those deserty places and carried out those rendition-type things which I know nothing about and cannot comment on because I know nothing them about according to my legal team.’
And he added as he checked his airline tickets to yet another dubious country under the yoke of a dictator:’Yeah, we wanted to get rid of bin Laden, stop the opium trade, give equal rights to women, let all poor countries hear the bells of freedom and open free schools in every hamlet between Baghdad and Kabul.’
‘But that doesn’t mean we sit up and beg every time the Yanks bark.’
Nigel, a Blair regime commentator and brown site developer quipped: ‘Tony was never involved in foreign escapades and knew from former British mis-adventures in Iraq and Afghanistan how things can unravel. Now, Cherie…..that’s where you reporter chappies should be looking.’