Struggling smartphone maker Blackberry has agreed in principle to be bought by a consortium  for $4.7bn (£3bn). HOWARD ELSTON (DOA) EXPLAINS WHAT IT MEANS TO YOU AND ME

So, you were a real smartypants way back when and bought yourself a Blackberry so you could be a Master of the Universe.

So, you could check your crummy little emails from your work pals who said nothing at all but you made it look all-important and steadfastly put your big fat hand up to stay the people around you so you could manage the earth.

So, you had a Blackberry.

BFD.

Well, now it went done and broke itself on the wheel of capitalism and you ain’t gonna git parts, e-things and  cyberbits to ensure your internetty world  is still intact and you can check Youtube, MeMail, Instagram and god knows whatever meg-site has hypnotized you into a state of internet catatonia

Blackberry, you see, just wasn’t sharp enough, quick enough, Usain Bolt-fast enough to cope.

So now something appalling called Fairfax Financial is gonna scoop up the electronic remnants of this once powerful businessmen’s e-penis and …and….and..god knows what it will do.

Wrong numbers

A close contact in  the uni-eworld, Phil from Leeds, who is also a leading second hand car dealer, told me over a Deuchars IPA and a cheese and pickle ciabetta sandwich: ‘They’ll take all your secrets and sell them to Murdoch, the Russians and UKIP, then blackmail you into keeping them closeted away.’

Taking a gulp of the Deuchars and fondling the rear view mirror of a Dacia TDI with only 2000 miles on the clock (the car that is, not the mirror)…, he added: ‘It’s a conspiracy. This has nothing to do with the fact that me and my good lady wife have 18 months to run on our Blackberry Electro Dual Fuel Inject Mega Phone contract.’

And Joe Pepitone, a Brooklyn based financial whiz, added: ‘Blackberry came out of Canada. Wudja expect? Those guys north of the border gotta stick to moose-steaks and Joni Mitchell songs.’

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