I think we need an open competition – 20 things you can do with your new wheelie bin.
Naturally this is in anticipation of the ugly-looking ‘Daleks’ appearing on our streets as the city council insists on riding roughshod over all opposition to introduce the brutes.
Their arrival is supposedly something to do with saving the environment, but it is hardly aesthetic to the eye to have forests of the things parked outside properties like a procession of Easter Island statues.
I am told that wheelie bins burn well so expect them to be a serious weapon in the hands of rioters next time the inner city kicks off. Petrol bombs on wheels to target police lines, like fire ships aimed at the Spanish Armada.
Similarly, vandals will not be able to resist lumping them into local lakes – currently in Swanshurst Park lake there is a litter bin frame, a tractor tyre and a supermarket trolley, they hauled a dumped car out of it last time it was drained.
They will use the wheelie bins as convenient platforms to break into shops and houses.
And they will utilise them to transport their ill-gotten gains down the street.
Pissed up students will find them equally irresistible.I can just see wheelie bin races down Selly Oak streets, one of our intelligentsia inside as the other runs for all his worth, WAGS cheering them on.The Birmingham Binolympics.Quite why the Government wants to give the council £29 million to introduce these monsters is beyond me.
I can understand that they might reduce the amount of waste on the streets as cats, foxes and windy days contrive to scatter the contents of black bags.But think of the waste of money – the environmental cost of creating the plastic bins in the first place and the requirement for a new set of dustcarts.
There is the time factor – you can sling a load of black bags into the back of a wagon a darn site quicker that it takes to empty a wheelie bin. And think of the fly tipping that is going to take place because of the council’s ludicrous decision to charge for the removal of green waste.
I have a convenient hedge nearby where I dump my Christmas tree every year – it all rots down. Very tempting to sling the grass clippings in the same place. Thousands of people are going to be thinking the same way.
So back to that competition …
So far the alternative uses we have are: offensive weapon, get-away vehicle, and student F1 racing car. Given the care home charges, they could prove a good home for granny – regular meals (bit rotten) and lots of fresh air.
Artists like Tracey Emin will have a field day; Turner Prize here we come.
With the spiralling cost of funerals, wheelie bins could prove cheap coffins. TV should produce a new modern version of Top Cat, complete with wheelie bins, and Officer Dibble hamstrung by health and safety guidelines. Equestrians could find them useful as easily constructed fences. Gardeners might turn them into giant plant pots, with trees and bushes growing out of them. Ventriloquists could find Wheelie Bin the perfect dummy.
There you go – that’s ten already.
More suggestions to Wheelie bin Bore, The Politburo, Council MadHouse, Birmingham City Commune, B1N 1T.
John Duckers blogs at Duckers & Diving and the article above was reproduced by kind permission.